What is the one thing I should always be mindful of as a parent, that I learned in therapy? To pay attention to age, stages of development and anniversaries. These energies are alive and well within us stored, percolating, churning, growing, sitting, spinning, burning....they are there whether we are consciously aware of them or not.

I cannot ignore that my sweet 10 year old daughter is the same age I was when my mom broke in half.

My mom has lived in so much pain. I'm not sure for how long. All her life? I just want to stop that pain for her. That's all I've ever wanted. It's so twisted when it's your parent you are caring for. So twisted. When you are a little kid concerned for your parents life.

I don't want to deny any more that my mother struggles with mental illness. Denying that truth has helped me create my own special hell that I am just now crawling out of.

In facing this truth, I must also divulge my own mental illness. OCD is the bitch that I dance with. I know it's all about self protection. I get it. It's so hard to move through life when OCD has you immobilized. Even though I am a high functioning person with OCD ~ I don't think anyone knows who I haven't actually told myself. Up until recently this wasn't many people at all but I see how taboo OCD is and how misunderstood it is. I don't typically flip a lid when someone makes fun of OCD but I would be lying if I didn't say it stings a little. I might want to crawl back inside myself a little more for the moment. It's scary having such weird oddities about oneself and be worried that someone might notice. Ugh.

Well there you go. Didn't know that was gonna come out. By the way, my mom doesn't have OCD. I won't go into her story right now. I want to bring the conversation back to my daughter and my relationship with her as her mother. It's tough going right now but I am continuing on and really opening to all that needs to be seen and healed. Fuck if it isn't painful as all get out!! Shit fuck fuck shit!!!!!!

I love my kids, I love my mother, I love my family, my sisters, my dad. I love them.