Scatter brains.

I plowed into the many piles of paper in my office this evening. It definitely looks better in here. But there for sure is a long ways still to go. I am trying to understand this whole business license with more than one business gig and the paperwork is just so damn confusing and I'm just so damn tired of everything needing passwords and identification numbers and user names and case numbers and and and. I'm so tired of all of that shit. So tired of it.

HB's

Earlier I had this realization wash over me, that I have all of these humans around me. Like real live humans. I think I can feel and see this now because I finally am allowing myself to be a human being. And by that I don't mean, I'm now allowing myself to make mistakes. I mean, that's in there too. But what I really mean is, I'm allowing myself to exist. And I'm taking it further and allowing myself to enjoy existing! And I'm taking it even further and letting myself THRIVE!!!! And I'm human!! And now as I look around, everyone else looks so beautifully human too! I am so thankful. And you were there all along, huh?

Road Trip Ramblings.

I am craving to take my kiddos on a big ol' road trip or something. Down to Santa Cruz!! We have never ever done that and I feel so sad about that. Time to do some serious manifesting! This isn't just about me and my fear of being selfish anymore! This is about my kiddos and their memories and their connection to their roots. I get it! In June I am jumping in with two feet and planning to fly me and my daughters to Virginia for a Tenney/Nichols side of the family reunion. I have only ever once been to the East Coast and it was because of a layover in Chicago on my way to England (that's another story. All I saw was the airport. I barely think that counts. I can't believe this huge part of my recent ancestry is from the East Coast and I have barely stepped foot there. Wow. My mom's side is from the New Jersey area. And then there's Arizona. I have wanted to take my oldest (and my youngest would be with us of course) to Sedona, Arizona. Her namesake. I wanted it to be a gift for when she turned 10. Here we are, she's 10 now! Let's make it happen!!

I've decided to take this blog thing seriously. I need to write more. I feel this loneliness settle in when I don't write. What is that about? I am a single mother of two amazing girls (ages 10 and 6). We live in this great old house that we share with some pretty cool housemates, 2 dogs, 2 cats and a fish. I am a massage therapist, doula and raw chocolatier. I am deeply passionate about all three of these. I am working hard to take my raw chocolate to another level and I have a dream of helping to support single mothers through this. I don't know how, but I am. Women need so much more support than what they get. A huge part of this is a lack of community. I know we all say it to each other-- well at least in my circle of friends. We often remind each other of this root of all our problems. But we are having a hard time making any huge movements toward a remedy. And when I say "we", I very much include myself. After two tragic events in my community within months of each other, I learned that what most helps me get through trauma and grief within my community is to help. Even if it seems a super simple, small gesture on my part. My friend Jen Owen (of Jen Martins Studios) is teaching me so much about this. And her husband Ivan Owen too. They are amazing. I have never before witnessed someone being so open and vulnerable and making it look so incredibly strong. Jen Owen is the master of this. She bears her heart every day to help others and she shares stories regularly about amazing experiences she has been touched by. This is via Facebook. Who would know what a healing tool it could be. Everything in moderation. On Valentine's Day what Jen did was make 20 Valentine's Day cards and then she delivered them all around town to total strangers. They said things like, "You Are Beautiful." And Jen hand delivered them, by herself. I don't know about you but, this makes me kind of pee my pants a little just thinking about it. I think maybe because I have done things like this, when I was much younger. And sometimes it turned out real bad and embarrassing. At least that is how my brain remembers it. So I tend to avoid hugely vulnerable acts like this. But I am allowing myself to become a lot more open. I am starting there. Jen, you inspire me. And Ivan! He has started this INCREDIBLE project making mechanical fingers and hands for folks who were born without them or somehow lost them as children or adults. And he is doing this to make it available to everyone-- even those who cannot afford it. www.comingupshorthanded.com is his website. So I want to do great things for my community too. And it's damn hard to be a single parent. Please know that I am NOT in any way trying to downplay challenges for single Dads but I say single mothers because what this issue touches off in me is also the support WOMEN in general need more of in our society. I do not mean to duck any responsibility we as women have in this. I just want to get it out on the table. All of it. And I know good and well that part of this puzzle involves men needing support too. I trust all angles will be taken care of. This one is the one I am passionate about. Women. So this is the one I am going to tend to. Which one speaks to you? We all need to work together. It will be great. I promise.