Monday, March 9, 2015
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Quiet
It INFURIATES me!! I danced the hell out of it this morning! It makes me so mad right now! Quietness. Not enough of it. The world can be such a harsh place for quiet people! Its one thing to dance with my own darkness around it but to see it in my own child's eyes. I can't bare it and it fills me with RAGE today. In my head I am screaming these words right now!!!!
Me too. And I declare it all okay.
One my most important memories when I was a 14 year old sitting in the office of a psychiatrist in my hometown. He was a very gentle, serious and quiet man. But there was a peacefulness and a lightness to him too. I hated my shyness. I hated it. I was painfully shy as a child. In school I use to fantasize about building my own over-sized telephone booth with tinted glass and a big ol' easy chair inside so I would be comfortable and not overly exposed, like everyone else on their little chairs and hard desks under the bright florescent lighting I detested so much. But when I sat across from this psychiatrist and told him of my struggle, waiting for his advice on how I could fix myself, he instead did something that burned me up even more! He quietly leaned in and said, "it's okay to be quiet." I protested. I told him he didn't understand. I told him it didn't FEEL okay. Every time, in response, he would say, "It's okay to be quiet." I shut out the possibility he was extending to me. Nonsense. Nevertheless, that moment remains etched in my very core. Nearly 25 years later, I may still be emotionally grasping this concept but conceptually I get it.
It is okay to be quiet.
There's so much love there too.
To the quiet ones who are always waiting for a break in conversation to get a word in edgewise. To the ones who are too often asked, "are you being shy" or "cat got your tongue". To the quiet ones who are talked over and shoved aside and can't figure out how to climb on top of this pain. To the ones that need time alone every day for sanity. For the ones that are constantly asked to pull themselves out and contribute more to the group collective but are fighting to get rooted inside first. For the quiet ones who have always compared themselves to the loud ones and never quite measured up, who have struggled with feeling replaceable by louder more social beings. For the quiet ones who have SO MUCH TO SAY but have lost belief in themselves. For the sweet quiet souls who too easily fade into the background and stew in loneliness and grief. For the quiet ones who doubt themselves because they never say it first. For the ones who question their worth and their importance. For the beautiful quiet sweet souls who are never sure how to fit in and stay in, and not sure they want to. For the misfits of all misfits who heap memories of awkward moments on themselves late at night instead of counting sheep. To the ones that don't think they belong.
Me too. And I declare it all okay.
One my most important memories when I was a 14 year old sitting in the office of a psychiatrist in my hometown. He was a very gentle, serious and quiet man. But there was a peacefulness and a lightness to him too. I hated my shyness. I hated it. I was painfully shy as a child. In school I use to fantasize about building my own over-sized telephone booth with tinted glass and a big ol' easy chair inside so I would be comfortable and not overly exposed, like everyone else on their little chairs and hard desks under the bright florescent lighting I detested so much. But when I sat across from this psychiatrist and told him of my struggle, waiting for his advice on how I could fix myself, he instead did something that burned me up even more! He quietly leaned in and said, "it's okay to be quiet." I protested. I told him he didn't understand. I told him it didn't FEEL okay. Every time, in response, he would say, "It's okay to be quiet." I shut out the possibility he was extending to me. Nonsense. Nevertheless, that moment remains etched in my very core. Nearly 25 years later, I may still be emotionally grasping this concept but conceptually I get it.
It is okay to be quiet.
There's so much love there too.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Progress report
Ugh. I feel like such a single mom right now. What does that even mean? I have been piecing together little jobs to make an income. 5 jobs to be exact. One of them ( a big one) went by the wayside today. Just for a month, but I don't got a month to float on. So, I'm a little in panic mode and a lot in production mode.
This is where I stand. I am 37. I have two young daughters, two cats, a small dog and a fish. We live in a home I rent from friends. This little sweet golden house that I intend to buy. How? I don't know. But I intend to do it.
I am tired of moving my children from place to place apartment to apartment. I am tired of scraping by and being stressed with my kids. I am tired of worrying about how to pay bills and how to make sure I have time with my kids all in the same moment. I am tired of undervaluing and overextending myself. I am tired of trying to figure it all out. I am tired of trying to find the right puzzle piece, the correct angle, the magic word, the perfect intonation, the secret.
I want to buy my house and homestead. Vegan homesteading mind you. I want to grow more veggies than I put in biodegradable plastic bags at the grocery store. I want to have a self sustaining house run on solar panels complete with composting toilets and worm bins. I want to teach my children how to live not just how to survive in a world where we supposedly have everything but in reality its all just slipping through our fingers, results of our very own actions.
I want to work to live not live to work. I want to make money to make more chocolate not make chocolate for money. I want to make to give. Replenish to share. I want stability so I even can actually feel the ground that I stand on. Its gotta come from me. How does it come from me when I feel like all of the time has drained out of me? Any spaces that were left between my cells have been filled with items on my long winded, ever expanding and often these days, daunting to-do list. I cannot even think these day. Or, I think so much and so fast that I don't even know what thinking even is anymore. How do I get off this fucking nightmare of a merry-go-round? I have no choice now. I have to figure it out. Step by step. Starting now.
This is where I stand. I am 37. I have two young daughters, two cats, a small dog and a fish. We live in a home I rent from friends. This little sweet golden house that I intend to buy. How? I don't know. But I intend to do it.
I am tired of moving my children from place to place apartment to apartment. I am tired of scraping by and being stressed with my kids. I am tired of worrying about how to pay bills and how to make sure I have time with my kids all in the same moment. I am tired of undervaluing and overextending myself. I am tired of trying to figure it all out. I am tired of trying to find the right puzzle piece, the correct angle, the magic word, the perfect intonation, the secret.
I want to buy my house and homestead. Vegan homesteading mind you. I want to grow more veggies than I put in biodegradable plastic bags at the grocery store. I want to have a self sustaining house run on solar panels complete with composting toilets and worm bins. I want to teach my children how to live not just how to survive in a world where we supposedly have everything but in reality its all just slipping through our fingers, results of our very own actions.
I want to work to live not live to work. I want to make money to make more chocolate not make chocolate for money. I want to make to give. Replenish to share. I want stability so I even can actually feel the ground that I stand on. Its gotta come from me. How does it come from me when I feel like all of the time has drained out of me? Any spaces that were left between my cells have been filled with items on my long winded, ever expanding and often these days, daunting to-do list. I cannot even think these day. Or, I think so much and so fast that I don't even know what thinking even is anymore. How do I get off this fucking nightmare of a merry-go-round? I have no choice now. I have to figure it out. Step by step. Starting now.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Pay Attention
It has been a month and a half since I last posted. So much has happened. So. Much. Has. Happened.
The kickstarted ended successfully succeeding our original goal, our stretch goal and our stretch stretch goal. And now I am tiiiirrreed. But we are over halfway through with sending out chocolate packages and it is so satisfying every time another one reaches a backers hands!
I'm not going to go into everything right now. I will write more I will write more I will write more. My soul needs it. Post by post I will write about my summer.
As we enter September and go into Fall it is a big birthday celebration time for my family. My nephew holds up the tail end of Aug (27th), my best friend starts off Sept 1st, my twin sis and I are Sept 6, My youngest daughter is the 10th, her dad is the 17th, my oldest daughter's god~father is the 19th. And those are just some. Yeah. I know. People get busy during the holidays. In more ways than one. As Rachael (bff) and I celebrate our birthdays at the first of the month, I naturally reflect on our friendship and my deep love for her. This year I was reminded of a mobile she (not a crafty bone in her body mind you!) made herself. Using toilet paper rolls, silver wire with stars attached, acrylic paint and lettering she made me a mobile that had 3 reminders: Trust, Love, Pay Attention. I reminded her of this (unfortunately via text~ yeah. I've been too busy) after our birthdays passed unrecognized by me this year (first time ever. Again....way too busy). She told me: you forgot one! SLOW DOWN! Now I don't remember if there honestly was a 4th or not but I won't know until I dig it up from my chest in the shed. I'm not gonna ask Rach, I think she's stretched thin enough with her patience with me and my overextendedness. Yes that's a word. It is now.
Slow down, I am. Even within my crazy busyness I am taking real chunks and pockets of MY time and slowing the fuck down. Every day. No matter what. If I don't? No bueno. Things start falling apart. I get sick. I get frustrated and feel small. Slowing down I am also committing to being a peaceful receptive presence for others. Working away on that one with my children. So I am that for them. Ugh. Bootcamp.
But this morning the one of the four reminders that was on my mind was Pay Attention. Attention. Attention. I had one of those moments where the word rolled around in my head and mouth for a moment and they seemed so new and foreign. Attention. Have we really always said that word? Attention. Have I really ever heard it before? Attention. Sounds so much like....Ascension.
On that note, I'm off to continue with work. All the while Paying Attention, and slowing down in between.
Peace and Love to your soul.
The kickstarted ended successfully succeeding our original goal, our stretch goal and our stretch stretch goal. And now I am tiiiirrreed. But we are over halfway through with sending out chocolate packages and it is so satisfying every time another one reaches a backers hands!
I'm not going to go into everything right now. I will write more I will write more I will write more. My soul needs it. Post by post I will write about my summer.
As we enter September and go into Fall it is a big birthday celebration time for my family. My nephew holds up the tail end of Aug (27th), my best friend starts off Sept 1st, my twin sis and I are Sept 6, My youngest daughter is the 10th, her dad is the 17th, my oldest daughter's god~father is the 19th. And those are just some. Yeah. I know. People get busy during the holidays. In more ways than one. As Rachael (bff) and I celebrate our birthdays at the first of the month, I naturally reflect on our friendship and my deep love for her. This year I was reminded of a mobile she (not a crafty bone in her body mind you!) made herself. Using toilet paper rolls, silver wire with stars attached, acrylic paint and lettering she made me a mobile that had 3 reminders: Trust, Love, Pay Attention. I reminded her of this (unfortunately via text~ yeah. I've been too busy) after our birthdays passed unrecognized by me this year (first time ever. Again....way too busy). She told me: you forgot one! SLOW DOWN! Now I don't remember if there honestly was a 4th or not but I won't know until I dig it up from my chest in the shed. I'm not gonna ask Rach, I think she's stretched thin enough with her patience with me and my overextendedness. Yes that's a word. It is now.
Slow down, I am. Even within my crazy busyness I am taking real chunks and pockets of MY time and slowing the fuck down. Every day. No matter what. If I don't? No bueno. Things start falling apart. I get sick. I get frustrated and feel small. Slowing down I am also committing to being a peaceful receptive presence for others. Working away on that one with my children. So I am that for them. Ugh. Bootcamp.
But this morning the one of the four reminders that was on my mind was Pay Attention. Attention. Attention. I had one of those moments where the word rolled around in my head and mouth for a moment and they seemed so new and foreign. Attention. Have we really always said that word? Attention. Have I really ever heard it before? Attention. Sounds so much like....Ascension.
On that note, I'm off to continue with work. All the while Paying Attention, and slowing down in between.
Peace and Love to your soul.
Me & my girls + Oscar the dog, Last Fall (2012)
Friday, July 26, 2013
Evidence of God ~ In my sweet little world.
Love love and more love.
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7DgEIcYsVjRanpaMTBieVRXU1U/edit?usp=sharing
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7DgEIcYsVjRanpaMTBieVRXU1U/edit?usp=sharing
Vlog Numero Uno.
Here is my first video post. I am looking forward to more!
usp=sharinghttps://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7DgEIcYsVjRNERzRXU2eHF1anM/edit?usp=sharing
usp=sharinghttps://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7DgEIcYsVjRNERzRXU2eHF1anM/edit?usp=sharing
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
chocolate in Africa!
One day I will feed chocolate to children in Africa who were once starving.
Mark my words.
This has haunted and plagued me, this issue. I am building my business. I am a single mom. I work hard. And there is this lingering, nagging thought translated to a painful tugging at my core translated to self doubt and judgement and worry....who am I to....why do I deserve to.....what about the starving children in Africa? What the fuck am I doing here making CHOCOLATE of all things while there are people around the world who are suffering horribly unthinkable deaths, and WORSE, suffering horribly unthinkable, long, painful, drawn out, torturous lives. What's worse? It's not a question that needs answering.
The other day I sat with a friend and she read my numerology chart. Woo woo? Maybe. Did it speak to me? Honey, it's scary~frightening how on target this reading was. My numbers show that I "need to see suffering". What I got from this is, suffering has been a major teacher in my life (side note- also I may be a little bit addicted to suffering at this point). It's true. I have witnessed my mother suffering as long as I can remember. It has been my own dragon to slay...well actually, I tamed the dragon instead ; ) I am vegan after all. I love the animals. My point is, I am well versed in the language of suffering. And now I fully get that it has been an integral piece of my growth as a human, as a woman and as a mother.
So now I stand, poised to delve into a richer, fuller, more abundant life and all of these anxieties have been leaping up, nipping at my ankles. I have wrestled with them. I have even nipped them back at times. I have been full of angst and on my knees deep in prayer about these questions and anxieties.
This is where I stand now. The goal of my business is to grow and expand in such a beautiful, rich, deep, community centered and loving way that our ripple effect is felt all the way to Africa AND BEYOND! And we will FEED those beautiful souls and MANY MORE with the love we put into what we do every single day. With their hearts and their bodies on our minds and in our hearts as we tend to our work and our corner of the world. Always conscious of the ripple effect. Always aware of what we are contributing to it. We all contribute to it. It's not a choice. It's a side effect of life : ) But like I said, WHAT are you contributing? And maybe even more importantly, HOW are you contributing?
I do not forget the ground I stand on. It is the ancient ways that have been lost, the lives sacrificed and taken, the land stolen and people raped, it is the ancestors of each and every one of us, that our work is now for. I work to heal the ground I stand on. That is the call for my generation. Or else? Again, not a question that needs answering. Just a call to action.
Everything I do from this day forward, every joy that I bring, every mouth that I feed, every family I support, every paycheck I endorse, is directly for the good of the starving children of Africa who have symbolized ultimate suffering in my mind for all of my life. That is the purpose of my work. The path? The way to the purpose? Oh, that is a whole other beautiful, juicy, intricate, rich, grounded, amazing journey to take all the way in.
The following will be a documentation of my journey. I will do daily video posts as my business expands and I wrestle and dance and breathe into this new form. It is happening everywhere. We are in a collective birthing right now. I am witnessing so many of my friends and loved ones, particularly women, in what I can only describe as emotional and energetic labor pains. There are shifts happening and ups and downs and turns and depths and highs and it has really really been intense. I know it. What is now happening is a call to trust deeper. Everything we are experiencing is right on target. The key is to actually let ourselves experience it. You know- feel. It's amazing how much more painful things can be when we brace ourselves. It's amazing how stuck we can get.
I am reminded of a birth I attended over a year ago where a mama was so stressed and in so much pain that when the anesthesiologist went to put the tubing for the epidural in her back he could not get this super tiny, super sharp thread between her vertebrae because she was so tense. It took her husband and I and a nurse all sitting in front and around her as she sat opposite us on the bed. We coached and convinced her into leaning into and onto us and giving up enough of her weight and tension so the thread could go through. She didn't believe we had her. She was scared and lashed out a couple of times with fear that we really were going to let her fall. Such a crazy and strange and even scary space birth can be (can. doesn't have to). But she finally was able to give up- just enough- just enough for that teeny tiny thread to go through. And no, I don't advocate for epidural use usually but as a doula I have witnessed the usefulness of them enough to know there is a time and a place. This mama slept and relaxed and vaginally birthed her beautiful healthy baby into our world.
Trust is huge. There are no if's ands or buts about it. It's huge. What do you have if you don't have trust? What can you have access to if you don't trust? I am asking myself these questions and experimenting with all the different perspectives that are showing up! It's amazing!
Oh I so wish there was trust in my family when I was growing up. I see now that it really was every man for himself in my household. We said "I love you" but there was this vibe.... this - as long as you don't x,y, or z - kind of vibe. I love you as long as you don't leave me. I love you as long as you don't hurt my feelings. I love you as long as you are useful to me. I love you as long as you are paying attention to me. I love you as long as you aren't better than me. I love you if you aren't prettier than me. I love you if you are suffering. I love you if you are sick. I love you if you need me. I love you if I get something out of it. I love you because I need you. I love you but I hate you. I love you but I don't want to. I love you because I have to. And now it's pretty much, I love you from a distance.
Not that there isn't real love in there. There's lots of that too.
So yeah. Africa. Chocolate in Africa. And it starts here. Here in my heart and in my work and as I learn to love my family more. And trust. I will lean in with trust. It is part leap of faith and part grounded knowing. It is the way back to ourselves, each other and to god. It involves all parts of ourselves. The good the bad and the ugly. It involves making space for all that we are. Shadow and light. And leaning leaning leaning resting giving into that soft peaceful space of trust and love.
Mark my words.
This has haunted and plagued me, this issue. I am building my business. I am a single mom. I work hard. And there is this lingering, nagging thought translated to a painful tugging at my core translated to self doubt and judgement and worry....who am I to....why do I deserve to.....what about the starving children in Africa? What the fuck am I doing here making CHOCOLATE of all things while there are people around the world who are suffering horribly unthinkable deaths, and WORSE, suffering horribly unthinkable, long, painful, drawn out, torturous lives. What's worse? It's not a question that needs answering.
The other day I sat with a friend and she read my numerology chart. Woo woo? Maybe. Did it speak to me? Honey, it's scary~frightening how on target this reading was. My numbers show that I "need to see suffering". What I got from this is, suffering has been a major teacher in my life (side note- also I may be a little bit addicted to suffering at this point). It's true. I have witnessed my mother suffering as long as I can remember. It has been my own dragon to slay...well actually, I tamed the dragon instead ; ) I am vegan after all. I love the animals. My point is, I am well versed in the language of suffering. And now I fully get that it has been an integral piece of my growth as a human, as a woman and as a mother.
So now I stand, poised to delve into a richer, fuller, more abundant life and all of these anxieties have been leaping up, nipping at my ankles. I have wrestled with them. I have even nipped them back at times. I have been full of angst and on my knees deep in prayer about these questions and anxieties.
This is where I stand now. The goal of my business is to grow and expand in such a beautiful, rich, deep, community centered and loving way that our ripple effect is felt all the way to Africa AND BEYOND! And we will FEED those beautiful souls and MANY MORE with the love we put into what we do every single day. With their hearts and their bodies on our minds and in our hearts as we tend to our work and our corner of the world. Always conscious of the ripple effect. Always aware of what we are contributing to it. We all contribute to it. It's not a choice. It's a side effect of life : ) But like I said, WHAT are you contributing? And maybe even more importantly, HOW are you contributing?
I do not forget the ground I stand on. It is the ancient ways that have been lost, the lives sacrificed and taken, the land stolen and people raped, it is the ancestors of each and every one of us, that our work is now for. I work to heal the ground I stand on. That is the call for my generation. Or else? Again, not a question that needs answering. Just a call to action.
Everything I do from this day forward, every joy that I bring, every mouth that I feed, every family I support, every paycheck I endorse, is directly for the good of the starving children of Africa who have symbolized ultimate suffering in my mind for all of my life. That is the purpose of my work. The path? The way to the purpose? Oh, that is a whole other beautiful, juicy, intricate, rich, grounded, amazing journey to take all the way in.
The following will be a documentation of my journey. I will do daily video posts as my business expands and I wrestle and dance and breathe into this new form. It is happening everywhere. We are in a collective birthing right now. I am witnessing so many of my friends and loved ones, particularly women, in what I can only describe as emotional and energetic labor pains. There are shifts happening and ups and downs and turns and depths and highs and it has really really been intense. I know it. What is now happening is a call to trust deeper. Everything we are experiencing is right on target. The key is to actually let ourselves experience it. You know- feel. It's amazing how much more painful things can be when we brace ourselves. It's amazing how stuck we can get.
I am reminded of a birth I attended over a year ago where a mama was so stressed and in so much pain that when the anesthesiologist went to put the tubing for the epidural in her back he could not get this super tiny, super sharp thread between her vertebrae because she was so tense. It took her husband and I and a nurse all sitting in front and around her as she sat opposite us on the bed. We coached and convinced her into leaning into and onto us and giving up enough of her weight and tension so the thread could go through. She didn't believe we had her. She was scared and lashed out a couple of times with fear that we really were going to let her fall. Such a crazy and strange and even scary space birth can be (can. doesn't have to). But she finally was able to give up- just enough- just enough for that teeny tiny thread to go through. And no, I don't advocate for epidural use usually but as a doula I have witnessed the usefulness of them enough to know there is a time and a place. This mama slept and relaxed and vaginally birthed her beautiful healthy baby into our world.
Trust is huge. There are no if's ands or buts about it. It's huge. What do you have if you don't have trust? What can you have access to if you don't trust? I am asking myself these questions and experimenting with all the different perspectives that are showing up! It's amazing!
Oh I so wish there was trust in my family when I was growing up. I see now that it really was every man for himself in my household. We said "I love you" but there was this vibe.... this - as long as you don't x,y, or z - kind of vibe. I love you as long as you don't leave me. I love you as long as you don't hurt my feelings. I love you as long as you are useful to me. I love you as long as you are paying attention to me. I love you as long as you aren't better than me. I love you if you aren't prettier than me. I love you if you are suffering. I love you if you are sick. I love you if you need me. I love you if I get something out of it. I love you because I need you. I love you but I hate you. I love you but I don't want to. I love you because I have to. And now it's pretty much, I love you from a distance.
Not that there isn't real love in there. There's lots of that too.
So yeah. Africa. Chocolate in Africa. And it starts here. Here in my heart and in my work and as I learn to love my family more. And trust. I will lean in with trust. It is part leap of faith and part grounded knowing. It is the way back to ourselves, each other and to god. It involves all parts of ourselves. The good the bad and the ugly. It involves making space for all that we are. Shadow and light. And leaning leaning leaning resting giving into that soft peaceful space of trust and love.
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