This is where I stand. I am 37. I have two young daughters, two cats, a small dog and a fish. We live in a home I rent from friends. This little sweet golden house that I intend to buy. How? I don't know. But I intend to do it.
I am tired of moving my children from place to place apartment to apartment. I am tired of scraping by and being stressed with my kids. I am tired of worrying about how to pay bills and how to make sure I have time with my kids all in the same moment. I am tired of undervaluing and overextending myself. I am tired of trying to figure it all out. I am tired of trying to find the right puzzle piece, the correct angle, the magic word, the perfect intonation, the secret.
I want to buy my house and homestead. Vegan homesteading mind you. I want to grow more veggies than I put in biodegradable plastic bags at the grocery store. I want to have a self sustaining house run on solar panels complete with composting toilets and worm bins. I want to teach my children how to live not just how to survive in a world where we supposedly have everything but in reality its all just slipping through our fingers, results of our very own actions.
I want to work to live not live to work. I want to make money to make more chocolate not make chocolate for money. I want to make to give. Replenish to share. I want stability so I even can actually feel the ground that I stand on. Its gotta come from me. How does it come from me when I feel like all of the time has drained out of me? Any spaces that were left between my cells have been filled with items on my long winded, ever expanding and often these days, daunting to-do list. I cannot even think these day. Or, I think so much and so fast that I don't even know what thinking even is anymore. How do I get off this fucking nightmare of a merry-go-round? I have no choice now. I have to figure it out. Step by step. Starting now.
