Love love and more love.
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7DgEIcYsVjRanpaMTBieVRXU1U/edit?usp=sharing
Friday, July 26, 2013
Vlog Numero Uno.
Here is my first video post. I am looking forward to more!
usp=sharinghttps://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7DgEIcYsVjRNERzRXU2eHF1anM/edit?usp=sharing
usp=sharinghttps://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7DgEIcYsVjRNERzRXU2eHF1anM/edit?usp=sharing
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
chocolate in Africa!
One day I will feed chocolate to children in Africa who were once starving.
Mark my words.
This has haunted and plagued me, this issue. I am building my business. I am a single mom. I work hard. And there is this lingering, nagging thought translated to a painful tugging at my core translated to self doubt and judgement and worry....who am I to....why do I deserve to.....what about the starving children in Africa? What the fuck am I doing here making CHOCOLATE of all things while there are people around the world who are suffering horribly unthinkable deaths, and WORSE, suffering horribly unthinkable, long, painful, drawn out, torturous lives. What's worse? It's not a question that needs answering.
The other day I sat with a friend and she read my numerology chart. Woo woo? Maybe. Did it speak to me? Honey, it's scary~frightening how on target this reading was. My numbers show that I "need to see suffering". What I got from this is, suffering has been a major teacher in my life (side note- also I may be a little bit addicted to suffering at this point). It's true. I have witnessed my mother suffering as long as I can remember. It has been my own dragon to slay...well actually, I tamed the dragon instead ; ) I am vegan after all. I love the animals. My point is, I am well versed in the language of suffering. And now I fully get that it has been an integral piece of my growth as a human, as a woman and as a mother.
So now I stand, poised to delve into a richer, fuller, more abundant life and all of these anxieties have been leaping up, nipping at my ankles. I have wrestled with them. I have even nipped them back at times. I have been full of angst and on my knees deep in prayer about these questions and anxieties.
This is where I stand now. The goal of my business is to grow and expand in such a beautiful, rich, deep, community centered and loving way that our ripple effect is felt all the way to Africa AND BEYOND! And we will FEED those beautiful souls and MANY MORE with the love we put into what we do every single day. With their hearts and their bodies on our minds and in our hearts as we tend to our work and our corner of the world. Always conscious of the ripple effect. Always aware of what we are contributing to it. We all contribute to it. It's not a choice. It's a side effect of life : ) But like I said, WHAT are you contributing? And maybe even more importantly, HOW are you contributing?
I do not forget the ground I stand on. It is the ancient ways that have been lost, the lives sacrificed and taken, the land stolen and people raped, it is the ancestors of each and every one of us, that our work is now for. I work to heal the ground I stand on. That is the call for my generation. Or else? Again, not a question that needs answering. Just a call to action.
Everything I do from this day forward, every joy that I bring, every mouth that I feed, every family I support, every paycheck I endorse, is directly for the good of the starving children of Africa who have symbolized ultimate suffering in my mind for all of my life. That is the purpose of my work. The path? The way to the purpose? Oh, that is a whole other beautiful, juicy, intricate, rich, grounded, amazing journey to take all the way in.
The following will be a documentation of my journey. I will do daily video posts as my business expands and I wrestle and dance and breathe into this new form. It is happening everywhere. We are in a collective birthing right now. I am witnessing so many of my friends and loved ones, particularly women, in what I can only describe as emotional and energetic labor pains. There are shifts happening and ups and downs and turns and depths and highs and it has really really been intense. I know it. What is now happening is a call to trust deeper. Everything we are experiencing is right on target. The key is to actually let ourselves experience it. You know- feel. It's amazing how much more painful things can be when we brace ourselves. It's amazing how stuck we can get.
I am reminded of a birth I attended over a year ago where a mama was so stressed and in so much pain that when the anesthesiologist went to put the tubing for the epidural in her back he could not get this super tiny, super sharp thread between her vertebrae because she was so tense. It took her husband and I and a nurse all sitting in front and around her as she sat opposite us on the bed. We coached and convinced her into leaning into and onto us and giving up enough of her weight and tension so the thread could go through. She didn't believe we had her. She was scared and lashed out a couple of times with fear that we really were going to let her fall. Such a crazy and strange and even scary space birth can be (can. doesn't have to). But she finally was able to give up- just enough- just enough for that teeny tiny thread to go through. And no, I don't advocate for epidural use usually but as a doula I have witnessed the usefulness of them enough to know there is a time and a place. This mama slept and relaxed and vaginally birthed her beautiful healthy baby into our world.
Trust is huge. There are no if's ands or buts about it. It's huge. What do you have if you don't have trust? What can you have access to if you don't trust? I am asking myself these questions and experimenting with all the different perspectives that are showing up! It's amazing!
Oh I so wish there was trust in my family when I was growing up. I see now that it really was every man for himself in my household. We said "I love you" but there was this vibe.... this - as long as you don't x,y, or z - kind of vibe. I love you as long as you don't leave me. I love you as long as you don't hurt my feelings. I love you as long as you are useful to me. I love you as long as you are paying attention to me. I love you as long as you aren't better than me. I love you if you aren't prettier than me. I love you if you are suffering. I love you if you are sick. I love you if you need me. I love you if I get something out of it. I love you because I need you. I love you but I hate you. I love you but I don't want to. I love you because I have to. And now it's pretty much, I love you from a distance.
Not that there isn't real love in there. There's lots of that too.
So yeah. Africa. Chocolate in Africa. And it starts here. Here in my heart and in my work and as I learn to love my family more. And trust. I will lean in with trust. It is part leap of faith and part grounded knowing. It is the way back to ourselves, each other and to god. It involves all parts of ourselves. The good the bad and the ugly. It involves making space for all that we are. Shadow and light. And leaning leaning leaning resting giving into that soft peaceful space of trust and love.
Mark my words.
This has haunted and plagued me, this issue. I am building my business. I am a single mom. I work hard. And there is this lingering, nagging thought translated to a painful tugging at my core translated to self doubt and judgement and worry....who am I to....why do I deserve to.....what about the starving children in Africa? What the fuck am I doing here making CHOCOLATE of all things while there are people around the world who are suffering horribly unthinkable deaths, and WORSE, suffering horribly unthinkable, long, painful, drawn out, torturous lives. What's worse? It's not a question that needs answering.
The other day I sat with a friend and she read my numerology chart. Woo woo? Maybe. Did it speak to me? Honey, it's scary~frightening how on target this reading was. My numbers show that I "need to see suffering". What I got from this is, suffering has been a major teacher in my life (side note- also I may be a little bit addicted to suffering at this point). It's true. I have witnessed my mother suffering as long as I can remember. It has been my own dragon to slay...well actually, I tamed the dragon instead ; ) I am vegan after all. I love the animals. My point is, I am well versed in the language of suffering. And now I fully get that it has been an integral piece of my growth as a human, as a woman and as a mother.
So now I stand, poised to delve into a richer, fuller, more abundant life and all of these anxieties have been leaping up, nipping at my ankles. I have wrestled with them. I have even nipped them back at times. I have been full of angst and on my knees deep in prayer about these questions and anxieties.
This is where I stand now. The goal of my business is to grow and expand in such a beautiful, rich, deep, community centered and loving way that our ripple effect is felt all the way to Africa AND BEYOND! And we will FEED those beautiful souls and MANY MORE with the love we put into what we do every single day. With their hearts and their bodies on our minds and in our hearts as we tend to our work and our corner of the world. Always conscious of the ripple effect. Always aware of what we are contributing to it. We all contribute to it. It's not a choice. It's a side effect of life : ) But like I said, WHAT are you contributing? And maybe even more importantly, HOW are you contributing?
I do not forget the ground I stand on. It is the ancient ways that have been lost, the lives sacrificed and taken, the land stolen and people raped, it is the ancestors of each and every one of us, that our work is now for. I work to heal the ground I stand on. That is the call for my generation. Or else? Again, not a question that needs answering. Just a call to action.
Everything I do from this day forward, every joy that I bring, every mouth that I feed, every family I support, every paycheck I endorse, is directly for the good of the starving children of Africa who have symbolized ultimate suffering in my mind for all of my life. That is the purpose of my work. The path? The way to the purpose? Oh, that is a whole other beautiful, juicy, intricate, rich, grounded, amazing journey to take all the way in.
The following will be a documentation of my journey. I will do daily video posts as my business expands and I wrestle and dance and breathe into this new form. It is happening everywhere. We are in a collective birthing right now. I am witnessing so many of my friends and loved ones, particularly women, in what I can only describe as emotional and energetic labor pains. There are shifts happening and ups and downs and turns and depths and highs and it has really really been intense. I know it. What is now happening is a call to trust deeper. Everything we are experiencing is right on target. The key is to actually let ourselves experience it. You know- feel. It's amazing how much more painful things can be when we brace ourselves. It's amazing how stuck we can get.
I am reminded of a birth I attended over a year ago where a mama was so stressed and in so much pain that when the anesthesiologist went to put the tubing for the epidural in her back he could not get this super tiny, super sharp thread between her vertebrae because she was so tense. It took her husband and I and a nurse all sitting in front and around her as she sat opposite us on the bed. We coached and convinced her into leaning into and onto us and giving up enough of her weight and tension so the thread could go through. She didn't believe we had her. She was scared and lashed out a couple of times with fear that we really were going to let her fall. Such a crazy and strange and even scary space birth can be (can. doesn't have to). But she finally was able to give up- just enough- just enough for that teeny tiny thread to go through. And no, I don't advocate for epidural use usually but as a doula I have witnessed the usefulness of them enough to know there is a time and a place. This mama slept and relaxed and vaginally birthed her beautiful healthy baby into our world.
Trust is huge. There are no if's ands or buts about it. It's huge. What do you have if you don't have trust? What can you have access to if you don't trust? I am asking myself these questions and experimenting with all the different perspectives that are showing up! It's amazing!
Oh I so wish there was trust in my family when I was growing up. I see now that it really was every man for himself in my household. We said "I love you" but there was this vibe.... this - as long as you don't x,y, or z - kind of vibe. I love you as long as you don't leave me. I love you as long as you don't hurt my feelings. I love you as long as you are useful to me. I love you as long as you are paying attention to me. I love you as long as you aren't better than me. I love you if you aren't prettier than me. I love you if you are suffering. I love you if you are sick. I love you if you need me. I love you if I get something out of it. I love you because I need you. I love you but I hate you. I love you but I don't want to. I love you because I have to. And now it's pretty much, I love you from a distance.
Not that there isn't real love in there. There's lots of that too.
So yeah. Africa. Chocolate in Africa. And it starts here. Here in my heart and in my work and as I learn to love my family more. And trust. I will lean in with trust. It is part leap of faith and part grounded knowing. It is the way back to ourselves, each other and to god. It involves all parts of ourselves. The good the bad and the ugly. It involves making space for all that we are. Shadow and light. And leaning leaning leaning resting giving into that soft peaceful space of trust and love.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
LunaVida Kickstarter.
I am smack dab in the midst of the kickstarter campaign for LunaVida. Wow! It's cool! I want to dive more into it. I am ready to write more and explore this journey more. The relationship with community and our "audience" is really cool to witness unfolding! I LOVE this!! It also brings up scary big stuff too but this has been fertile growing and learning ground. I have enjoyed it. This process for me has been largely about going deeper and deeper into my spiritual practice. Deeper and deeper into prayer. Deeper and deeper into listening.
Today we are part of the Sunnyland Stomp neighborhood art studio & then some, tour. It's pretty cool! Community at it's best! I think I will have Tanya take samples of LunaVida around and encourage folks to come by our booth. Spreading the word, but in a gentle, loving, joyful way!
Here is the link to the kickstarter project!
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lunavidaraw/chocolate-covered-dreams-lunavida-raw-chocolate?ref=live
Love love love & Chocolate.
Today we are part of the Sunnyland Stomp neighborhood art studio & then some, tour. It's pretty cool! Community at it's best! I think I will have Tanya take samples of LunaVida around and encourage folks to come by our booth. Spreading the word, but in a gentle, loving, joyful way!
Here is the link to the kickstarter project!
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lunavidaraw/chocolate-covered-dreams-lunavida-raw-chocolate?ref=live
Love love love & Chocolate.
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