Monday, March 9, 2015
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Quiet
It INFURIATES me!! I danced the hell out of it this morning! It makes me so mad right now! Quietness. Not enough of it. The world can be such a harsh place for quiet people! Its one thing to dance with my own darkness around it but to see it in my own child's eyes. I can't bare it and it fills me with RAGE today. In my head I am screaming these words right now!!!!
Me too. And I declare it all okay.
One my most important memories when I was a 14 year old sitting in the office of a psychiatrist in my hometown. He was a very gentle, serious and quiet man. But there was a peacefulness and a lightness to him too. I hated my shyness. I hated it. I was painfully shy as a child. In school I use to fantasize about building my own over-sized telephone booth with tinted glass and a big ol' easy chair inside so I would be comfortable and not overly exposed, like everyone else on their little chairs and hard desks under the bright florescent lighting I detested so much. But when I sat across from this psychiatrist and told him of my struggle, waiting for his advice on how I could fix myself, he instead did something that burned me up even more! He quietly leaned in and said, "it's okay to be quiet." I protested. I told him he didn't understand. I told him it didn't FEEL okay. Every time, in response, he would say, "It's okay to be quiet." I shut out the possibility he was extending to me. Nonsense. Nevertheless, that moment remains etched in my very core. Nearly 25 years later, I may still be emotionally grasping this concept but conceptually I get it.
It is okay to be quiet.
There's so much love there too.
To the quiet ones who are always waiting for a break in conversation to get a word in edgewise. To the ones who are too often asked, "are you being shy" or "cat got your tongue". To the quiet ones who are talked over and shoved aside and can't figure out how to climb on top of this pain. To the ones that need time alone every day for sanity. For the ones that are constantly asked to pull themselves out and contribute more to the group collective but are fighting to get rooted inside first. For the quiet ones who have always compared themselves to the loud ones and never quite measured up, who have struggled with feeling replaceable by louder more social beings. For the quiet ones who have SO MUCH TO SAY but have lost belief in themselves. For the sweet quiet souls who too easily fade into the background and stew in loneliness and grief. For the quiet ones who doubt themselves because they never say it first. For the ones who question their worth and their importance. For the beautiful quiet sweet souls who are never sure how to fit in and stay in, and not sure they want to. For the misfits of all misfits who heap memories of awkward moments on themselves late at night instead of counting sheep. To the ones that don't think they belong.
Me too. And I declare it all okay.
One my most important memories when I was a 14 year old sitting in the office of a psychiatrist in my hometown. He was a very gentle, serious and quiet man. But there was a peacefulness and a lightness to him too. I hated my shyness. I hated it. I was painfully shy as a child. In school I use to fantasize about building my own over-sized telephone booth with tinted glass and a big ol' easy chair inside so I would be comfortable and not overly exposed, like everyone else on their little chairs and hard desks under the bright florescent lighting I detested so much. But when I sat across from this psychiatrist and told him of my struggle, waiting for his advice on how I could fix myself, he instead did something that burned me up even more! He quietly leaned in and said, "it's okay to be quiet." I protested. I told him he didn't understand. I told him it didn't FEEL okay. Every time, in response, he would say, "It's okay to be quiet." I shut out the possibility he was extending to me. Nonsense. Nevertheless, that moment remains etched in my very core. Nearly 25 years later, I may still be emotionally grasping this concept but conceptually I get it.
It is okay to be quiet.
There's so much love there too.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Progress report
Ugh. I feel like such a single mom right now. What does that even mean? I have been piecing together little jobs to make an income. 5 jobs to be exact. One of them ( a big one) went by the wayside today. Just for a month, but I don't got a month to float on. So, I'm a little in panic mode and a lot in production mode.
This is where I stand. I am 37. I have two young daughters, two cats, a small dog and a fish. We live in a home I rent from friends. This little sweet golden house that I intend to buy. How? I don't know. But I intend to do it.
I am tired of moving my children from place to place apartment to apartment. I am tired of scraping by and being stressed with my kids. I am tired of worrying about how to pay bills and how to make sure I have time with my kids all in the same moment. I am tired of undervaluing and overextending myself. I am tired of trying to figure it all out. I am tired of trying to find the right puzzle piece, the correct angle, the magic word, the perfect intonation, the secret.
I want to buy my house and homestead. Vegan homesteading mind you. I want to grow more veggies than I put in biodegradable plastic bags at the grocery store. I want to have a self sustaining house run on solar panels complete with composting toilets and worm bins. I want to teach my children how to live not just how to survive in a world where we supposedly have everything but in reality its all just slipping through our fingers, results of our very own actions.
I want to work to live not live to work. I want to make money to make more chocolate not make chocolate for money. I want to make to give. Replenish to share. I want stability so I even can actually feel the ground that I stand on. Its gotta come from me. How does it come from me when I feel like all of the time has drained out of me? Any spaces that were left between my cells have been filled with items on my long winded, ever expanding and often these days, daunting to-do list. I cannot even think these day. Or, I think so much and so fast that I don't even know what thinking even is anymore. How do I get off this fucking nightmare of a merry-go-round? I have no choice now. I have to figure it out. Step by step. Starting now.
This is where I stand. I am 37. I have two young daughters, two cats, a small dog and a fish. We live in a home I rent from friends. This little sweet golden house that I intend to buy. How? I don't know. But I intend to do it.
I am tired of moving my children from place to place apartment to apartment. I am tired of scraping by and being stressed with my kids. I am tired of worrying about how to pay bills and how to make sure I have time with my kids all in the same moment. I am tired of undervaluing and overextending myself. I am tired of trying to figure it all out. I am tired of trying to find the right puzzle piece, the correct angle, the magic word, the perfect intonation, the secret.
I want to buy my house and homestead. Vegan homesteading mind you. I want to grow more veggies than I put in biodegradable plastic bags at the grocery store. I want to have a self sustaining house run on solar panels complete with composting toilets and worm bins. I want to teach my children how to live not just how to survive in a world where we supposedly have everything but in reality its all just slipping through our fingers, results of our very own actions.
I want to work to live not live to work. I want to make money to make more chocolate not make chocolate for money. I want to make to give. Replenish to share. I want stability so I even can actually feel the ground that I stand on. Its gotta come from me. How does it come from me when I feel like all of the time has drained out of me? Any spaces that were left between my cells have been filled with items on my long winded, ever expanding and often these days, daunting to-do list. I cannot even think these day. Or, I think so much and so fast that I don't even know what thinking even is anymore. How do I get off this fucking nightmare of a merry-go-round? I have no choice now. I have to figure it out. Step by step. Starting now.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Pay Attention
It has been a month and a half since I last posted. So much has happened. So. Much. Has. Happened.
The kickstarted ended successfully succeeding our original goal, our stretch goal and our stretch stretch goal. And now I am tiiiirrreed. But we are over halfway through with sending out chocolate packages and it is so satisfying every time another one reaches a backers hands!
I'm not going to go into everything right now. I will write more I will write more I will write more. My soul needs it. Post by post I will write about my summer.
As we enter September and go into Fall it is a big birthday celebration time for my family. My nephew holds up the tail end of Aug (27th), my best friend starts off Sept 1st, my twin sis and I are Sept 6, My youngest daughter is the 10th, her dad is the 17th, my oldest daughter's god~father is the 19th. And those are just some. Yeah. I know. People get busy during the holidays. In more ways than one. As Rachael (bff) and I celebrate our birthdays at the first of the month, I naturally reflect on our friendship and my deep love for her. This year I was reminded of a mobile she (not a crafty bone in her body mind you!) made herself. Using toilet paper rolls, silver wire with stars attached, acrylic paint and lettering she made me a mobile that had 3 reminders: Trust, Love, Pay Attention. I reminded her of this (unfortunately via text~ yeah. I've been too busy) after our birthdays passed unrecognized by me this year (first time ever. Again....way too busy). She told me: you forgot one! SLOW DOWN! Now I don't remember if there honestly was a 4th or not but I won't know until I dig it up from my chest in the shed. I'm not gonna ask Rach, I think she's stretched thin enough with her patience with me and my overextendedness. Yes that's a word. It is now.
Slow down, I am. Even within my crazy busyness I am taking real chunks and pockets of MY time and slowing the fuck down. Every day. No matter what. If I don't? No bueno. Things start falling apart. I get sick. I get frustrated and feel small. Slowing down I am also committing to being a peaceful receptive presence for others. Working away on that one with my children. So I am that for them. Ugh. Bootcamp.
But this morning the one of the four reminders that was on my mind was Pay Attention. Attention. Attention. I had one of those moments where the word rolled around in my head and mouth for a moment and they seemed so new and foreign. Attention. Have we really always said that word? Attention. Have I really ever heard it before? Attention. Sounds so much like....Ascension.
On that note, I'm off to continue with work. All the while Paying Attention, and slowing down in between.
Peace and Love to your soul.
The kickstarted ended successfully succeeding our original goal, our stretch goal and our stretch stretch goal. And now I am tiiiirrreed. But we are over halfway through with sending out chocolate packages and it is so satisfying every time another one reaches a backers hands!
I'm not going to go into everything right now. I will write more I will write more I will write more. My soul needs it. Post by post I will write about my summer.
As we enter September and go into Fall it is a big birthday celebration time for my family. My nephew holds up the tail end of Aug (27th), my best friend starts off Sept 1st, my twin sis and I are Sept 6, My youngest daughter is the 10th, her dad is the 17th, my oldest daughter's god~father is the 19th. And those are just some. Yeah. I know. People get busy during the holidays. In more ways than one. As Rachael (bff) and I celebrate our birthdays at the first of the month, I naturally reflect on our friendship and my deep love for her. This year I was reminded of a mobile she (not a crafty bone in her body mind you!) made herself. Using toilet paper rolls, silver wire with stars attached, acrylic paint and lettering she made me a mobile that had 3 reminders: Trust, Love, Pay Attention. I reminded her of this (unfortunately via text~ yeah. I've been too busy) after our birthdays passed unrecognized by me this year (first time ever. Again....way too busy). She told me: you forgot one! SLOW DOWN! Now I don't remember if there honestly was a 4th or not but I won't know until I dig it up from my chest in the shed. I'm not gonna ask Rach, I think she's stretched thin enough with her patience with me and my overextendedness. Yes that's a word. It is now.
Slow down, I am. Even within my crazy busyness I am taking real chunks and pockets of MY time and slowing the fuck down. Every day. No matter what. If I don't? No bueno. Things start falling apart. I get sick. I get frustrated and feel small. Slowing down I am also committing to being a peaceful receptive presence for others. Working away on that one with my children. So I am that for them. Ugh. Bootcamp.
But this morning the one of the four reminders that was on my mind was Pay Attention. Attention. Attention. I had one of those moments where the word rolled around in my head and mouth for a moment and they seemed so new and foreign. Attention. Have we really always said that word? Attention. Have I really ever heard it before? Attention. Sounds so much like....Ascension.
On that note, I'm off to continue with work. All the while Paying Attention, and slowing down in between.
Peace and Love to your soul.
Me & my girls + Oscar the dog, Last Fall (2012)
Friday, July 26, 2013
Evidence of God ~ In my sweet little world.
Love love and more love.
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7DgEIcYsVjRanpaMTBieVRXU1U/edit?usp=sharing
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7DgEIcYsVjRanpaMTBieVRXU1U/edit?usp=sharing
Vlog Numero Uno.
Here is my first video post. I am looking forward to more!
usp=sharinghttps://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7DgEIcYsVjRNERzRXU2eHF1anM/edit?usp=sharing
usp=sharinghttps://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7DgEIcYsVjRNERzRXU2eHF1anM/edit?usp=sharing
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
chocolate in Africa!
One day I will feed chocolate to children in Africa who were once starving.
Mark my words.
This has haunted and plagued me, this issue. I am building my business. I am a single mom. I work hard. And there is this lingering, nagging thought translated to a painful tugging at my core translated to self doubt and judgement and worry....who am I to....why do I deserve to.....what about the starving children in Africa? What the fuck am I doing here making CHOCOLATE of all things while there are people around the world who are suffering horribly unthinkable deaths, and WORSE, suffering horribly unthinkable, long, painful, drawn out, torturous lives. What's worse? It's not a question that needs answering.
The other day I sat with a friend and she read my numerology chart. Woo woo? Maybe. Did it speak to me? Honey, it's scary~frightening how on target this reading was. My numbers show that I "need to see suffering". What I got from this is, suffering has been a major teacher in my life (side note- also I may be a little bit addicted to suffering at this point). It's true. I have witnessed my mother suffering as long as I can remember. It has been my own dragon to slay...well actually, I tamed the dragon instead ; ) I am vegan after all. I love the animals. My point is, I am well versed in the language of suffering. And now I fully get that it has been an integral piece of my growth as a human, as a woman and as a mother.
So now I stand, poised to delve into a richer, fuller, more abundant life and all of these anxieties have been leaping up, nipping at my ankles. I have wrestled with them. I have even nipped them back at times. I have been full of angst and on my knees deep in prayer about these questions and anxieties.
This is where I stand now. The goal of my business is to grow and expand in such a beautiful, rich, deep, community centered and loving way that our ripple effect is felt all the way to Africa AND BEYOND! And we will FEED those beautiful souls and MANY MORE with the love we put into what we do every single day. With their hearts and their bodies on our minds and in our hearts as we tend to our work and our corner of the world. Always conscious of the ripple effect. Always aware of what we are contributing to it. We all contribute to it. It's not a choice. It's a side effect of life : ) But like I said, WHAT are you contributing? And maybe even more importantly, HOW are you contributing?
I do not forget the ground I stand on. It is the ancient ways that have been lost, the lives sacrificed and taken, the land stolen and people raped, it is the ancestors of each and every one of us, that our work is now for. I work to heal the ground I stand on. That is the call for my generation. Or else? Again, not a question that needs answering. Just a call to action.
Everything I do from this day forward, every joy that I bring, every mouth that I feed, every family I support, every paycheck I endorse, is directly for the good of the starving children of Africa who have symbolized ultimate suffering in my mind for all of my life. That is the purpose of my work. The path? The way to the purpose? Oh, that is a whole other beautiful, juicy, intricate, rich, grounded, amazing journey to take all the way in.
The following will be a documentation of my journey. I will do daily video posts as my business expands and I wrestle and dance and breathe into this new form. It is happening everywhere. We are in a collective birthing right now. I am witnessing so many of my friends and loved ones, particularly women, in what I can only describe as emotional and energetic labor pains. There are shifts happening and ups and downs and turns and depths and highs and it has really really been intense. I know it. What is now happening is a call to trust deeper. Everything we are experiencing is right on target. The key is to actually let ourselves experience it. You know- feel. It's amazing how much more painful things can be when we brace ourselves. It's amazing how stuck we can get.
I am reminded of a birth I attended over a year ago where a mama was so stressed and in so much pain that when the anesthesiologist went to put the tubing for the epidural in her back he could not get this super tiny, super sharp thread between her vertebrae because she was so tense. It took her husband and I and a nurse all sitting in front and around her as she sat opposite us on the bed. We coached and convinced her into leaning into and onto us and giving up enough of her weight and tension so the thread could go through. She didn't believe we had her. She was scared and lashed out a couple of times with fear that we really were going to let her fall. Such a crazy and strange and even scary space birth can be (can. doesn't have to). But she finally was able to give up- just enough- just enough for that teeny tiny thread to go through. And no, I don't advocate for epidural use usually but as a doula I have witnessed the usefulness of them enough to know there is a time and a place. This mama slept and relaxed and vaginally birthed her beautiful healthy baby into our world.
Trust is huge. There are no if's ands or buts about it. It's huge. What do you have if you don't have trust? What can you have access to if you don't trust? I am asking myself these questions and experimenting with all the different perspectives that are showing up! It's amazing!
Oh I so wish there was trust in my family when I was growing up. I see now that it really was every man for himself in my household. We said "I love you" but there was this vibe.... this - as long as you don't x,y, or z - kind of vibe. I love you as long as you don't leave me. I love you as long as you don't hurt my feelings. I love you as long as you are useful to me. I love you as long as you are paying attention to me. I love you as long as you aren't better than me. I love you if you aren't prettier than me. I love you if you are suffering. I love you if you are sick. I love you if you need me. I love you if I get something out of it. I love you because I need you. I love you but I hate you. I love you but I don't want to. I love you because I have to. And now it's pretty much, I love you from a distance.
Not that there isn't real love in there. There's lots of that too.
So yeah. Africa. Chocolate in Africa. And it starts here. Here in my heart and in my work and as I learn to love my family more. And trust. I will lean in with trust. It is part leap of faith and part grounded knowing. It is the way back to ourselves, each other and to god. It involves all parts of ourselves. The good the bad and the ugly. It involves making space for all that we are. Shadow and light. And leaning leaning leaning resting giving into that soft peaceful space of trust and love.
Mark my words.
This has haunted and plagued me, this issue. I am building my business. I am a single mom. I work hard. And there is this lingering, nagging thought translated to a painful tugging at my core translated to self doubt and judgement and worry....who am I to....why do I deserve to.....what about the starving children in Africa? What the fuck am I doing here making CHOCOLATE of all things while there are people around the world who are suffering horribly unthinkable deaths, and WORSE, suffering horribly unthinkable, long, painful, drawn out, torturous lives. What's worse? It's not a question that needs answering.
The other day I sat with a friend and she read my numerology chart. Woo woo? Maybe. Did it speak to me? Honey, it's scary~frightening how on target this reading was. My numbers show that I "need to see suffering". What I got from this is, suffering has been a major teacher in my life (side note- also I may be a little bit addicted to suffering at this point). It's true. I have witnessed my mother suffering as long as I can remember. It has been my own dragon to slay...well actually, I tamed the dragon instead ; ) I am vegan after all. I love the animals. My point is, I am well versed in the language of suffering. And now I fully get that it has been an integral piece of my growth as a human, as a woman and as a mother.
So now I stand, poised to delve into a richer, fuller, more abundant life and all of these anxieties have been leaping up, nipping at my ankles. I have wrestled with them. I have even nipped them back at times. I have been full of angst and on my knees deep in prayer about these questions and anxieties.
This is where I stand now. The goal of my business is to grow and expand in such a beautiful, rich, deep, community centered and loving way that our ripple effect is felt all the way to Africa AND BEYOND! And we will FEED those beautiful souls and MANY MORE with the love we put into what we do every single day. With their hearts and their bodies on our minds and in our hearts as we tend to our work and our corner of the world. Always conscious of the ripple effect. Always aware of what we are contributing to it. We all contribute to it. It's not a choice. It's a side effect of life : ) But like I said, WHAT are you contributing? And maybe even more importantly, HOW are you contributing?
I do not forget the ground I stand on. It is the ancient ways that have been lost, the lives sacrificed and taken, the land stolen and people raped, it is the ancestors of each and every one of us, that our work is now for. I work to heal the ground I stand on. That is the call for my generation. Or else? Again, not a question that needs answering. Just a call to action.
Everything I do from this day forward, every joy that I bring, every mouth that I feed, every family I support, every paycheck I endorse, is directly for the good of the starving children of Africa who have symbolized ultimate suffering in my mind for all of my life. That is the purpose of my work. The path? The way to the purpose? Oh, that is a whole other beautiful, juicy, intricate, rich, grounded, amazing journey to take all the way in.
The following will be a documentation of my journey. I will do daily video posts as my business expands and I wrestle and dance and breathe into this new form. It is happening everywhere. We are in a collective birthing right now. I am witnessing so many of my friends and loved ones, particularly women, in what I can only describe as emotional and energetic labor pains. There are shifts happening and ups and downs and turns and depths and highs and it has really really been intense. I know it. What is now happening is a call to trust deeper. Everything we are experiencing is right on target. The key is to actually let ourselves experience it. You know- feel. It's amazing how much more painful things can be when we brace ourselves. It's amazing how stuck we can get.
I am reminded of a birth I attended over a year ago where a mama was so stressed and in so much pain that when the anesthesiologist went to put the tubing for the epidural in her back he could not get this super tiny, super sharp thread between her vertebrae because she was so tense. It took her husband and I and a nurse all sitting in front and around her as she sat opposite us on the bed. We coached and convinced her into leaning into and onto us and giving up enough of her weight and tension so the thread could go through. She didn't believe we had her. She was scared and lashed out a couple of times with fear that we really were going to let her fall. Such a crazy and strange and even scary space birth can be (can. doesn't have to). But she finally was able to give up- just enough- just enough for that teeny tiny thread to go through. And no, I don't advocate for epidural use usually but as a doula I have witnessed the usefulness of them enough to know there is a time and a place. This mama slept and relaxed and vaginally birthed her beautiful healthy baby into our world.
Trust is huge. There are no if's ands or buts about it. It's huge. What do you have if you don't have trust? What can you have access to if you don't trust? I am asking myself these questions and experimenting with all the different perspectives that are showing up! It's amazing!
Oh I so wish there was trust in my family when I was growing up. I see now that it really was every man for himself in my household. We said "I love you" but there was this vibe.... this - as long as you don't x,y, or z - kind of vibe. I love you as long as you don't leave me. I love you as long as you don't hurt my feelings. I love you as long as you are useful to me. I love you as long as you are paying attention to me. I love you as long as you aren't better than me. I love you if you aren't prettier than me. I love you if you are suffering. I love you if you are sick. I love you if you need me. I love you if I get something out of it. I love you because I need you. I love you but I hate you. I love you but I don't want to. I love you because I have to. And now it's pretty much, I love you from a distance.
Not that there isn't real love in there. There's lots of that too.
So yeah. Africa. Chocolate in Africa. And it starts here. Here in my heart and in my work and as I learn to love my family more. And trust. I will lean in with trust. It is part leap of faith and part grounded knowing. It is the way back to ourselves, each other and to god. It involves all parts of ourselves. The good the bad and the ugly. It involves making space for all that we are. Shadow and light. And leaning leaning leaning resting giving into that soft peaceful space of trust and love.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
LunaVida Kickstarter.
I am smack dab in the midst of the kickstarter campaign for LunaVida. Wow! It's cool! I want to dive more into it. I am ready to write more and explore this journey more. The relationship with community and our "audience" is really cool to witness unfolding! I LOVE this!! It also brings up scary big stuff too but this has been fertile growing and learning ground. I have enjoyed it. This process for me has been largely about going deeper and deeper into my spiritual practice. Deeper and deeper into prayer. Deeper and deeper into listening.
Today we are part of the Sunnyland Stomp neighborhood art studio & then some, tour. It's pretty cool! Community at it's best! I think I will have Tanya take samples of LunaVida around and encourage folks to come by our booth. Spreading the word, but in a gentle, loving, joyful way!
Here is the link to the kickstarter project!
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lunavidaraw/chocolate-covered-dreams-lunavida-raw-chocolate?ref=live
Love love love & Chocolate.
Today we are part of the Sunnyland Stomp neighborhood art studio & then some, tour. It's pretty cool! Community at it's best! I think I will have Tanya take samples of LunaVida around and encourage folks to come by our booth. Spreading the word, but in a gentle, loving, joyful way!
Here is the link to the kickstarter project!
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lunavidaraw/chocolate-covered-dreams-lunavida-raw-chocolate?ref=live
Love love love & Chocolate.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
The full length LunaVida video : D
What's up LunaVida?
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Role Call
This is my LunaVida Love Prayer ((((((( <3 span="">
We are at this incredibly pivotal time in our world. There is definitely a clear call being made for us to wake the fuck up!!! Many of Us have been feeling this call. I've been feeling this call & talking about it, and talking about it and talking about it. It's TIME TO TAKE ACTION!!! I AM OF WOMEN & THIS IS MY PERSONAL CALL...LUNAVIDA IS THE VEHICLE FOR MY MISSION!!! LUNAVIDA IS CREATING JOBS IN OUR COMMUNITY for many working single mothers. LunaVida is about passion and creativity in an environment that fully supports women in thriving and being impactful on our community. My aim is to lovingly launch women Into their full depth of personal expression. Let's make space for all the many different parts within ourselves as women and allow our relationships with men to begin to flourish, so community can thrive.
I enact my mission through my work & offerings of the work of others @ Tending Moon. My intention behind Tending Moon is to ignite the momentum with which to set women aflame through community support and resources. This movement will empower us all, men and women, in connecting more deeply with one another, feeling our roots & coming back to the richness & bounty of the kind of love found only in community.
In working more intentionally with my daily spiritual practice & deepening my journey & lessons, it has become increasingly more clear to me that I as a Woman & more importantly, in my mind, as a lesbian in my community, must publicly & actively recognize, honor & hold space for the Men in my life, community & the world. They have asked. I vow to listen. Community is made of Men & Women.
So here I am, calling on all of you, my community that I love, for I cannot do this without you. We need to gather community in order to create more community. The ultimate goal is to realize our connection.
When our tending to others extends, overlaps enough, & balances with the tending of ourselves we are able to embody & create true communion, or : "Intimacy with my community," in the words of Jenny Macke.
When we are able to finally look around & see each other on one level because we are all looking each other in the eye & feeling each other through our hearts, we will experience powerful effectiveness in our lives & in the trajectory of the future of our children & our world.
THIS IS A CALL FOR ACTION!!! FIND WHAT YOU LOVE THAT ALSO POURS MORE LOVE INTO THE WORLD & TAKE ACTION!!! In the words of my beloved goddess~ "sistar" Molly Brock, "Let's get IN FORMATION and REAL- eyes our collective power."
Perfect.
A dear woman friend of mine, in my circle, a strong part of my support system in fact (along with her amazing husband, also a dear friend of mine) came over to drop her daughter off for a play date with my youngest today. Truth be told, this is a daily occurrence for us. Our kiddos live at each others houses. It's beautiful and amazing and is true community, at it's best. What we adults get out of this arrangement is reprieve, peace of mind, support, childcare, shoulders to lean on, sounding boards, companionship, fun, love and so much more.
That's not even what I'm here to talk about though. So many women in my life currently are on the same plane with me. We are churning and processing and growing and shining and breaking down and building up and sacrificing and letting go and giving in and learning to love and being witnessed and ultimately stepping into our feminine power, together. But we are in chaos at the moment. And as my dance teacher says, we must engage with chaos. I forget what her exact words were yesterday. She said it perfectly. So perfectly that I knew it was truth, because I felt it. The only way to myself was into the chaos. I was so surprised when we were dancing Sunday, that the wave I was most comfortable with was actually chaos. Of course. Of course it was. It's the only thing that ever made sense to me; that nothing makes sense. That's how my life was as a kid. Chaotic. Confusing. Ungrounding. Out of body. And I was the only one. I was the only one that nothing would work out for. I was the only one broken beyond repair, because I came in that way. I was the only one flawed to the point of being inappropriate just in that I dared to exist. I would be trying and failing my whole life. Just like my parents. Just like my stagnant unloved family. That's what chaos feels like in me. These different pieces of myself fragmented and fighting. Alone they might make sense but together they are such a disjointed and uncomfortable repertoire of emotions and energetic sensations that self retribution is the only possibility that I can see in the moment. Oh I know that space well.
While my friend dropped off her daughter this morning we checked in briefly with one another. She mentioned her perfectionist nature coming up as she dives into being let go of her job and deeper still to see what lies beyond. Perfectionism. I am familiar.
As a "person with OCD" for lack of a more dignified way to say it, I have long danced with the issues of control and perfectionism. As you well know they take on many forms. When I was a kid the first time I recall my OCD appearing was around the time when my mom was in the hospital when my Dad left. The Grandparents for some reason decided they would sleep in my room. This sent me into inward hysterics. I already had started a little ritual of making my bed before I went to bed, making sure the covers and blankets were p-e-r-f-e-c-t. And then ever so painfully carefully I would lower myself onto my bed in a manner that would hopefully not disturb the blankets in the SLIGHTEST!! And GOD forbid if they were nudged or shifted! So you can imagine the 4 alarm fire that was going off in my little 9 year old mind and heart. These grandparents who I do not recall interacting with us much at all during their stay. I do remember they wouldn't let us go play with our friends in the neighborhood. It was like being in prison for us, in our kid minds at least it was. Especially because this was one of the scariest times in (I will speak for myself here) my life. I am grasping lately how deep the unnerving and disturbance went that day my Dad left. I lost both my parents that day. What I had of them. What a crazy immense overpowering feeling of the fucking bottom dropping out from under you.
AHHHHHH, it feels good to get that out.
So, back to perfectionism. What I realized during this conversation I had the other day was that as an adult, I had come to the conclusion that I must not have an issue with being perfect anymore because my house is so often driving me insane with cleaning and organizing needs and my brain then says, there are so many things that would be in order if I were in fact a perfectionist, so I must not be one anymore. But just in that moment I realized, no, in fact, I do still have that alive in me. A large part of what holds me back from getting things done and being more efficient in my life is that I drag my feet and get really overwhelmed just thinking about wanting the outcome to be PERFECT. So much so that I become frozen and may end up just doing nothing.
That was a new one for me. I can so clearly see how perfection gets in my way. I am exploring this, churning it, kneeding it, cleaning it, nurturing it, and finding human decency and love toward myself AND others! In a messy, awkward, silly, crazy, beatiful way. Until later when I share more on this journey,
Blessings.
That's not even what I'm here to talk about though. So many women in my life currently are on the same plane with me. We are churning and processing and growing and shining and breaking down and building up and sacrificing and letting go and giving in and learning to love and being witnessed and ultimately stepping into our feminine power, together. But we are in chaos at the moment. And as my dance teacher says, we must engage with chaos. I forget what her exact words were yesterday. She said it perfectly. So perfectly that I knew it was truth, because I felt it. The only way to myself was into the chaos. I was so surprised when we were dancing Sunday, that the wave I was most comfortable with was actually chaos. Of course. Of course it was. It's the only thing that ever made sense to me; that nothing makes sense. That's how my life was as a kid. Chaotic. Confusing. Ungrounding. Out of body. And I was the only one. I was the only one that nothing would work out for. I was the only one broken beyond repair, because I came in that way. I was the only one flawed to the point of being inappropriate just in that I dared to exist. I would be trying and failing my whole life. Just like my parents. Just like my stagnant unloved family. That's what chaos feels like in me. These different pieces of myself fragmented and fighting. Alone they might make sense but together they are such a disjointed and uncomfortable repertoire of emotions and energetic sensations that self retribution is the only possibility that I can see in the moment. Oh I know that space well.
While my friend dropped off her daughter this morning we checked in briefly with one another. She mentioned her perfectionist nature coming up as she dives into being let go of her job and deeper still to see what lies beyond. Perfectionism. I am familiar.
As a "person with OCD" for lack of a more dignified way to say it, I have long danced with the issues of control and perfectionism. As you well know they take on many forms. When I was a kid the first time I recall my OCD appearing was around the time when my mom was in the hospital when my Dad left. The Grandparents for some reason decided they would sleep in my room. This sent me into inward hysterics. I already had started a little ritual of making my bed before I went to bed, making sure the covers and blankets were p-e-r-f-e-c-t. And then ever so painfully carefully I would lower myself onto my bed in a manner that would hopefully not disturb the blankets in the SLIGHTEST!! And GOD forbid if they were nudged or shifted! So you can imagine the 4 alarm fire that was going off in my little 9 year old mind and heart. These grandparents who I do not recall interacting with us much at all during their stay. I do remember they wouldn't let us go play with our friends in the neighborhood. It was like being in prison for us, in our kid minds at least it was. Especially because this was one of the scariest times in (I will speak for myself here) my life. I am grasping lately how deep the unnerving and disturbance went that day my Dad left. I lost both my parents that day. What I had of them. What a crazy immense overpowering feeling of the fucking bottom dropping out from under you.
AHHHHHH, it feels good to get that out.
So, back to perfectionism. What I realized during this conversation I had the other day was that as an adult, I had come to the conclusion that I must not have an issue with being perfect anymore because my house is so often driving me insane with cleaning and organizing needs and my brain then says, there are so many things that would be in order if I were in fact a perfectionist, so I must not be one anymore. But just in that moment I realized, no, in fact, I do still have that alive in me. A large part of what holds me back from getting things done and being more efficient in my life is that I drag my feet and get really overwhelmed just thinking about wanting the outcome to be PERFECT. So much so that I become frozen and may end up just doing nothing.
That was a new one for me. I can so clearly see how perfection gets in my way. I am exploring this, churning it, kneeding it, cleaning it, nurturing it, and finding human decency and love toward myself AND others! In a messy, awkward, silly, crazy, beatiful way. Until later when I share more on this journey,
Blessings.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
A LOVE LETTER.
I am learning a lot right now. Ha. That's a bit of an understatement. I amuse myself. Today I was revisiting one of my all time favorite books, LOVE by Leo Buscaglia. Ahhhhhhhhh. Breathe it in. That man was one beautiful human being. That book was one of the many that really became a life line from the past to the present for me. And here I am at the birth of dawn with my business LunaVida (so proud I am) and we are creating love notes for our chocolates. So I pulled out this lovely gem. Actually. That's not the truth. Sorry about that. Really what happened was, I went to find it and it was not where I thought it was. So I went looking for it. This book called LOVE. Yes, I thought about it too. I read into EVERYTHING. So I chuckled when I realized I was hunting around my room and my house looking for LOVE. Hee Hee. Anyhow. I did find it. In a pile of my doula and lactation consultant training info. Now I thought that was mighty appropriate actually because hey, I pour a lot of LOVE into my work. That's what it's all about, right? Exactly.
Aaaaanyhow, so the book. Leo was talking about how we have to LEARN how to love. We have to learn. Hmmmmm. Isn't that interesting. I think ages ago I would have argued this point but now at the ripe old age of 36, I have come to the space of understanding that LOVE really is active. It's one thing to have the feeling of love. It is a whole other ball o' wax to LOVE someone. Ding dong! I'm literally just getting this as I write.
Fuck I love writing. Seriously. Do yourself a favor. Write. Do the WORLD a favor!! WRITE!! WE NEED TO HEAR EACH OTHER!
Okay, I'm back. Excuse me. But seriously, you need to hear my passion. And I AM passionate!! But back to Leo. I just really am in love with this new simple space of knowing. I see SO CLEARLY now how not teaching our children about daily work and routine and how to learn and grow cripples them. Because they become these adults who expect every goddamned thing handed to them on a silver platter! I am also referring to myself so please don't think I'm sitting here getting all judgy pants on you. Yes. I said that. Yes. We expect to just fall madly deeply in love and be whisked away into everything-is-perfect-always-and-forever (boring if you ask me) land. We expect that all we need to do is find that one person who we have this INTENSE connection with and love to bits - or whatever - and that's it. Everything suddenly works out and is perfect. But it doesn't happen. For anyone....but....we keep trying to make it happen for ourselves. In reality yes, intense connection, yes. But then......even after you're enlightened you still have to do the dishes right? Right. Thanks for being so agreeable ; ) Same same. Even after you are in love you still have to be actively loving this person. It's like setting up an account where you pay for some thing monthly, say, oh, I don't know ~ chocolate! LunaVida Chocolate, why not? Yeah. So you set up this monthly subscription (stay tuned by the way) and you pay for the first month and you get your first order and you are fucking IN LOVE with this chocolate. For reals. Seriously, go get some. But the next month comes and goes and your receive no chocolates. But you signed up for the monthly subscription and you paid for the automatic monthly payments ; ) And you LOVED the chocolate! But you didn't fill your account dude. You didn't work and save up that money, that exchanged energy (what if money were love? that would be cool huh?!) So you have this account filled with hard earned money but you haven't been properly tending to your world, to your bills, to your work, to yourself really. So your account is depleted. Both physically and on all those other juicy levels. Same thing with LOVE. You must constantly invest in it. Constantly be lovingly putting deposits of energy into it. Deposits of time spent on work, on our life work your prayerful work. And then you have plenty to give back too. Not to mention some super delectable, lovingly made, wonderfully healthy, chocolate delivered to your door monthly ( or more should you choose ~ options are nice, huh? ).
So yeah. There ya have it. I am learning a lot right now. Gladly. I get it. Okay, cool. My parents really truly did do me a huge fucking disservice by allowing me to go numb in front of the tv day in and day out. I'm not mad. I know. I swear a lot. But I'm just passionate because I am a parent now and smack dab in the middle of raising two incredible daughters and it is TOUGH!!! But so gaddamned good too. Fuck we are blessed. All of us. We are ALL blessed. We just need to break the ice around our hearts that come in the form of, "oh I'm too cool for that" or whatever our individual resistances sound like, and just fucking melt into love for humanity and one another. I am not talking about sex folks. Sex is sacred. So is love for one another and self. Sacred. It's time we pull our heads out of our video games and whatevers and just speak the truth from our hearts to one another. Yeah. Scary. This is the point where people get really squirmy. Fuck that. The time is NOW people. Speak. Your. Truth. That does not mean spew your blaming perspectives. No. That means "I feel......." That means self responsible language. Don't know what it is? Look it up! This is an AMAZINGLY resourceful time! We owe it to ourselves, our loved ones, our anscestors, our everyone to educate ourselves on all levels and learn how to step into love.
Let's pull ourselves out of plugged in land a little folks? I mean some of it is good and helpful right? It's incredible for networking. It's amazing for educating yourself and connecting with people. I could go on and on. And that is why we probably so easily slip into a relationship of mind numbing addiction with it. Close your computer love. Do us all a favor. Do yourself a goddammed favor. Do your LOVE and your LIFE a goddammed favor! Turn off your fucking phone for a while. Develop a goddammed schedule. That's what I'm gonna do. There are literally going to be times when I am not available. I know. I have kids. I'm gonna have to figure that one out and in this day and age with all the intense technology happening. There has to be a way to make that happen. I love them so much. Anyhow, my point is, if you are using technology, use it wisely. Use it respectfully. Use it lovingly. Use it usefully ; ). Use it though. Use it for what it has to offer for connection and healing and expanding love in this world. Use it. And love more. Amen. MUAH!
Aaaaanyhow, so the book. Leo was talking about how we have to LEARN how to love. We have to learn. Hmmmmm. Isn't that interesting. I think ages ago I would have argued this point but now at the ripe old age of 36, I have come to the space of understanding that LOVE really is active. It's one thing to have the feeling of love. It is a whole other ball o' wax to LOVE someone. Ding dong! I'm literally just getting this as I write.
Fuck I love writing. Seriously. Do yourself a favor. Write. Do the WORLD a favor!! WRITE!! WE NEED TO HEAR EACH OTHER!
Okay, I'm back. Excuse me. But seriously, you need to hear my passion. And I AM passionate!! But back to Leo. I just really am in love with this new simple space of knowing. I see SO CLEARLY now how not teaching our children about daily work and routine and how to learn and grow cripples them. Because they become these adults who expect every goddamned thing handed to them on a silver platter! I am also referring to myself so please don't think I'm sitting here getting all judgy pants on you. Yes. I said that. Yes. We expect to just fall madly deeply in love and be whisked away into everything-is-perfect-always-and-forever (boring if you ask me) land. We expect that all we need to do is find that one person who we have this INTENSE connection with and love to bits - or whatever - and that's it. Everything suddenly works out and is perfect. But it doesn't happen. For anyone....but....we keep trying to make it happen for ourselves. In reality yes, intense connection, yes. But then......even after you're enlightened you still have to do the dishes right? Right. Thanks for being so agreeable ; ) Same same. Even after you are in love you still have to be actively loving this person. It's like setting up an account where you pay for some thing monthly, say, oh, I don't know ~ chocolate! LunaVida Chocolate, why not? Yeah. So you set up this monthly subscription (stay tuned by the way) and you pay for the first month and you get your first order and you are fucking IN LOVE with this chocolate. For reals. Seriously, go get some. But the next month comes and goes and your receive no chocolates. But you signed up for the monthly subscription and you paid for the automatic monthly payments ; ) And you LOVED the chocolate! But you didn't fill your account dude. You didn't work and save up that money, that exchanged energy (what if money were love? that would be cool huh?!) So you have this account filled with hard earned money but you haven't been properly tending to your world, to your bills, to your work, to yourself really. So your account is depleted. Both physically and on all those other juicy levels. Same thing with LOVE. You must constantly invest in it. Constantly be lovingly putting deposits of energy into it. Deposits of time spent on work, on our life work your prayerful work. And then you have plenty to give back too. Not to mention some super delectable, lovingly made, wonderfully healthy, chocolate delivered to your door monthly ( or more should you choose ~ options are nice, huh? ).
So yeah. There ya have it. I am learning a lot right now. Gladly. I get it. Okay, cool. My parents really truly did do me a huge fucking disservice by allowing me to go numb in front of the tv day in and day out. I'm not mad. I know. I swear a lot. But I'm just passionate because I am a parent now and smack dab in the middle of raising two incredible daughters and it is TOUGH!!! But so gaddamned good too. Fuck we are blessed. All of us. We are ALL blessed. We just need to break the ice around our hearts that come in the form of, "oh I'm too cool for that" or whatever our individual resistances sound like, and just fucking melt into love for humanity and one another. I am not talking about sex folks. Sex is sacred. So is love for one another and self. Sacred. It's time we pull our heads out of our video games and whatevers and just speak the truth from our hearts to one another. Yeah. Scary. This is the point where people get really squirmy. Fuck that. The time is NOW people. Speak. Your. Truth. That does not mean spew your blaming perspectives. No. That means "I feel......." That means self responsible language. Don't know what it is? Look it up! This is an AMAZINGLY resourceful time! We owe it to ourselves, our loved ones, our anscestors, our everyone to educate ourselves on all levels and learn how to step into love.
Let's pull ourselves out of plugged in land a little folks? I mean some of it is good and helpful right? It's incredible for networking. It's amazing for educating yourself and connecting with people. I could go on and on. And that is why we probably so easily slip into a relationship of mind numbing addiction with it. Close your computer love. Do us all a favor. Do yourself a goddammed favor. Do your LOVE and your LIFE a goddammed favor! Turn off your fucking phone for a while. Develop a goddammed schedule. That's what I'm gonna do. There are literally going to be times when I am not available. I know. I have kids. I'm gonna have to figure that one out and in this day and age with all the intense technology happening. There has to be a way to make that happen. I love them so much. Anyhow, my point is, if you are using technology, use it wisely. Use it respectfully. Use it lovingly. Use it usefully ; ). Use it though. Use it for what it has to offer for connection and healing and expanding love in this world. Use it. And love more. Amen. MUAH!
Sunday, June 16, 2013
please administer love.
Yes I am single but still, I am learning to love better. In one of my last text message exchanges with Megan, she called me a taker and I cannot tell you how much that stung my heart. But part of me was worried that it was true. And now I see that it was. I know I can't be with Megan. There is a lot of grief that I have processed and maybe still some yet. I will always love her deeply. She will always be my first wife. But I was a taker in the sense that I was more worried about what I was getting out of the relationship then how well I was supporting and loving and holding up my partner. In fact, it didn't even occur to me. Do you know why? Because I didn't even know that kind of dynamic existed in romantic relationships. Totally fucking new concept to me. It was not modeled to me as a kid. You know the story. But I am learning now and that is the only type of partnership I will ever be in ever again; one where we are constantly filling the pot with love. Constantly. Even when things suck and things are flared and someone is breaking down and the other someone is showing an extremely ugly part of themselves. I want to hit the stop button and return to love. But I am learning how to do that. I met and saw and was reintroduced to such insanely ugly parts of myself when I was with Megan. It was one of the absolutely most painful and absolutely most intensely beautiful and loving relationships I have experienced. But in the end the pain, anger and at times perhaps hatred took over. I am very grateful for that experience now but it has taken miracles prayers and then some to get here.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
MW = LOVE
Friends, one of the women that I most look up to in this world is Marianne Williamson, a spiritual leader in our country (but she travels all over). She is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. I am SO grateful for her presence in my life through books, lectures, TED talks, and through my relationships with other beloved people in my life who align with her teachings, which are all based on The Course in Miracles.
It is a dream of mine, a vision if you will, that I will be granted permission to include some of my most favorite quotes of hers inside the packaging of my beautiful, love filled, spirit made, chocolates:
www.lunavidaraw.com
I wrote a letter to her about this very thing:
It is a dream of mine, a vision if you will, that I will be granted permission to include some of my most favorite quotes of hers inside the packaging of my beautiful, love filled, spirit made, chocolates:
www.lunavidaraw.com
I wrote a letter to her about this very thing:
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Bootcamp
Today I understand child abuse. I don't condone it, I don't act on it. I just understand it. It has been one of those mother fucking days. Need I say more? Okay, I will. I have raging PMS for some reason. Perhaps the cleanse I am on and detoxing? Whatever the reason. If my 10 year old spends one more day telling me all the things I am doing wrong I am going to rip her arm off and beat her with the bloody end! That is a quote I got from one of my exes mothers years ago. I have never used it on my children but I love that quote because the particular mother who spoke it was a righteous mama who was FULL to the brim with LOVE and you better bet your britches a whole lot of it was tough love. But what came across, even in her colorful threat? Love. Always. I'm trying to remember that. Part of why I am so reactive to my children is because I love them so much. But my god it is hard to feel cut down by someone day after day. Shit man. Is this adolescence? Fuck. I might need armor and rubber padding and stuff. Love love love. Remember love. I think right now I will remember my pillow and slip into dreamland. Fuck this shit. Love.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Women's Circles and vaginas.
I have finally come to the place and space in my life where I am ready to delve into facilitating women's circles. This has been a long time coming. I am starting off by offering a weekly circle that I am referring to as a study circle because we are learning together about our cycles, menstrual, moon, all of them and the vagina. I must know more about the vagina! Yes I'm a lesbian, but that's not what this is about. I mean, it is. But it isn't.
Guess what these little beauties originally came from?
Guess what these little beauties originally came from?
????
TahDah!!
Check THAT mo'fo's!! Oh. You still don't get it. Maybe this will help....
There she is.
Going back to our ROOTS! That's what I am doing.
"Each month when a woman bleeds, she fully enacts her power." ~ Kisma Stepanich
I love my period. I love bleeding. I love it. I love what it stands for. I love that my body knows this rhythm, this timing, this pattern, this relationship. I love it. I love you. I love vaginas and I want you to love yours and ALL the fucking AMAZING things it does!! AMAZING!! Love it, cherish it, honor it. Don't let assholes near it ; ) Seriously. Don't. You know what I mean. No disrespecting so-and-so gets near your heavenly, beautiful, amazing, powerful vagina! Vaginas are to be loved and loved only. Yes, including when they are stretched beyond any reach of the imagination while birthing a baby! Love love love! Nothing less.
Amen.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
What is the one thing I should always be mindful of as a parent, that I learned in therapy? To pay attention to age, stages of development and anniversaries. These energies are alive and well within us stored, percolating, churning, growing, sitting, spinning, burning....they are there whether we are consciously aware of them or not.
I cannot ignore that my sweet 10 year old daughter is the same age I was when my mom broke in half.
My mom has lived in so much pain. I'm not sure for how long. All her life? I just want to stop that pain for her. That's all I've ever wanted. It's so twisted when it's your parent you are caring for. So twisted. When you are a little kid concerned for your parents life.
I don't want to deny any more that my mother struggles with mental illness. Denying that truth has helped me create my own special hell that I am just now crawling out of.
In facing this truth, I must also divulge my own mental illness. OCD is the bitch that I dance with. I know it's all about self protection. I get it. It's so hard to move through life when OCD has you immobilized. Even though I am a high functioning person with OCD ~ I don't think anyone knows who I haven't actually told myself. Up until recently this wasn't many people at all but I see how taboo OCD is and how misunderstood it is. I don't typically flip a lid when someone makes fun of OCD but I would be lying if I didn't say it stings a little. I might want to crawl back inside myself a little more for the moment. It's scary having such weird oddities about oneself and be worried that someone might notice. Ugh.
Well there you go. Didn't know that was gonna come out. By the way, my mom doesn't have OCD. I won't go into her story right now. I want to bring the conversation back to my daughter and my relationship with her as her mother. It's tough going right now but I am continuing on and really opening to all that needs to be seen and healed. Fuck if it isn't painful as all get out!! Shit fuck fuck shit!!!!!!
I love my kids, I love my mother, I love my family, my sisters, my dad. I love them.
I cannot ignore that my sweet 10 year old daughter is the same age I was when my mom broke in half.
My mom has lived in so much pain. I'm not sure for how long. All her life? I just want to stop that pain for her. That's all I've ever wanted. It's so twisted when it's your parent you are caring for. So twisted. When you are a little kid concerned for your parents life.
I don't want to deny any more that my mother struggles with mental illness. Denying that truth has helped me create my own special hell that I am just now crawling out of.
In facing this truth, I must also divulge my own mental illness. OCD is the bitch that I dance with. I know it's all about self protection. I get it. It's so hard to move through life when OCD has you immobilized. Even though I am a high functioning person with OCD ~ I don't think anyone knows who I haven't actually told myself. Up until recently this wasn't many people at all but I see how taboo OCD is and how misunderstood it is. I don't typically flip a lid when someone makes fun of OCD but I would be lying if I didn't say it stings a little. I might want to crawl back inside myself a little more for the moment. It's scary having such weird oddities about oneself and be worried that someone might notice. Ugh.
Well there you go. Didn't know that was gonna come out. By the way, my mom doesn't have OCD. I won't go into her story right now. I want to bring the conversation back to my daughter and my relationship with her as her mother. It's tough going right now but I am continuing on and really opening to all that needs to be seen and healed. Fuck if it isn't painful as all get out!! Shit fuck fuck shit!!!!!!
I love my kids, I love my mother, I love my family, my sisters, my dad. I love them.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Showing up.
“There are women who make things better... simply by showing up. There are women who make things happen. There are women who make their way. There are women who make a difference. And women who make us smile. There are women of wit and wisdom who- through strength and courage- make it through. There are women who change the world everyday... Women like you.”
― Ashley Rice
― Ashley Rice
Sometimes half the battle is simply showing up, and how little credit we give ourselves for this. In a world with an over abundance of choices, opportunities, paths or roads, taking note of what we really show up for reveals so much. And sometimes we are asked to show up again and again in really hard situations that are either painful or maybe involve more trust or faith than we have danced with before. These spaces can bring us to our knees. They can set our soul shivering with fright. But look at all of the times we still show up! Everyday of our lives we are asked to show up in little or big ways. We show up for ourselves and we show up for others. I am in deep gratitude for the women (and men! But this one's for the women!) in my life who are showing up for themselves and showing up for me and helping me to create my lifework and contribution to my community and the world. Ultimately this work is about the collective. It is about me and you and all of us and our reflections onto each other and out into the world. What do we want this to look like? What are we willing to see? How do we show up for even more? How do we show up for ourselves with deeper love and gratitude? How do we show up for each other with more vulnerability and open heartedness? Dance with me. Let's find out.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
For the love of love!
Sometimes when I have a bad day I start thinking that I have too many bad days and I get down on myself for not being a happier, peppier, more outgoing, perfect person that all the bad stuff bounces off of. But then I remember what my best friend Moon says and I relax around myself. Given both of our childhoods it makes sense, "It's amazing we're not crack whores." she says. Ain't it the truth. On days when I feel small AGAIN or I'm stuck in shame AGAIN, I can make it SO much easier on myself to shift into a less painful space if I take a minute to remind myself just what I have been up against. It's not to carve out a victim stance for myself. Been there, done that. This new way of acknowledging truths serves only to help move my process along. Naming certain challenges in my life and expressing when it is hard (when done with clarity, intention and a whole lotta self love and self responsibility) can take HUGE pressure off of me and allow me the s-p-a-c-e to be human and from THERE I find my strength, my compassion, my wisdom, my will power, and lo and behold~ my love for the rest of humanity is there as well. Who knew ; )
Love yourself. Love humanity. Good plan.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)