going through my divorce has turned me inside out.

Going through my divorce has turned me inside out. It's  the greatest gift I have ever received. I don't regret  a moment of it. Well, I do regret some behaviors on my part but the experience, I would sign up for it all over again. It took me to rock bottom like I have never known. And as most of us have probably heard at this point: 

JK Rowling: “Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”

This is so ridiculously true for me. And believe me, before my marriage I thought I had already experienced rock bottom. I was sorely mistaken. 

Okay so here's the thing. I split with my wife (now "ex". Such a weird term) a year and a half ago. It has been an AMAZING year and a half. Amazing. And part of why it has been so spectacular is because it has also been rock bottom, gut wrenching, heart breaking hard. Blood sweat and tears baby. I have learned SO MUCH. Relationship. This is why we are here. Relationship with partners, friends, sibs, parents, neighbors, etc etc etc. and with ourselves. 

Anyways anyways. I have done a lot of dating during this last year and a half. This has also been amazing. I have never just dated before. Never. I always have jumped~ dove rather~ Head first into full throttle commitment. Ick. No more. I am ready to find a mate. Sure it scares me, but I am ready to put it out there. I think. Oh my. 

I have to say part of me feels QUITE ridiculous doing something like this but on the other had, I really do want to ask for what I really really want in a partner. I want to be clear about that. And I want to be clear about my intention with my partnership. 

I am going to work on this. There is a specific method Tony Robbins uses. I know. Really. But I'm going to do it and see how it feels and what comes up. Honestly speaking, I do have a mad crush on someone. TeeHee. Goddammit is it ever a vulnerable place to be when you find someone you are on ALL levels drawn to. Holy shit. Yeah. vulnerable. But fun too ; ) And yes, this is a woman we are talking about. WOMAN. Yes.

Birthing warrior~ess

I haven't rested in a while. My am I feeling tired. I mean I sleep. But I've been averaging about 5 hours lately which just isn't good enough anymore. My eyes feel scratchy, my throat feels a bit raw and I have to will myself out of bed in the morning. But by the time I get up and get going I'm rolling! And then I'm good to go until afternoon hits. Afternoon is an EXCELLENT time for me to do massage because all I want to do is chill out but if I'm aimless at home or pushing myself doing 2 million errands I can end up feeling depressed in the afternoon so. I just figured out that afternoon is an excellent time for me to do massage.

Just in case you're interested.

Afternoon has long been a difficult time for me. I know this is because it was a sunny afternoon the day my dad left and my mom lost it. And that has a pretty heavy vibe attached to it. But it's all good. I've tended to that one for quite some time now.

There is a mama in my community who had a HBA2C today. This is amazing. For any of you who don't know what that is, and it very well could be all of you unless you are a birth junkie like me, HBA2C stands for home birth after 2 cesareans. This is really an amazing feat. And I am not talking necessarily physically. I mean yes, there is that of course. But the real challenge for a VBAC mama lies in trudging through all the intense negative stigma both internally and externally around have a c-section. It immediately means you can't do it. Something is wrong with you. Well this is how I felt. And SO thankful because I had been SAVED. In reality there was nothing emergent about it. Mine was not an emergency c-section. Mine was more of the, this is going too slow for our liking, variety.

 Igniting the feminine: empowering women and community. Enter Tending Moon. 

Heroes

This woman is my new hero. I had to jump on here and show her. "The revelation is if you’re willing to discuss what you’ve been through, people become unashamed of their own " http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/26/magazine/how-jeannette-walls-spins-good-stories-out-of-bad-memories.html?pagewanted=4&_r=0

She is amazing. Love what is. That is what I am learning. I think I get it finally. Took awhile, but I get it.

Here is a picture of yummy www.lunavidaraw.com chocolates that I made. May it ease your tired mind as you go into Thursday. Be well and stay tuned to my lunavida site as I update it~ That will be happening tomorrow and news of an exciting project will be announced soon! ; P Not telling yet though! Haha! I LOVE surprises!!

Moon Communion

Man am I ever tired. I was reminded today about how much I am doing and the importance of keeping things balanced. Although, I have been excellent in the self care department lately (minus the sleep department) so that is actually very good and I would have fallen apart long ago had I not been doing all that I am doing for myself. If you have read previous posts in this blog you may know that I have been searching for clues to these super annoying but not debilitating liver/GB issues that I have. My point is that lately what my self care has shifted into is some very tough love with myself about how I eat. I know I know- my friends may be reading this and laughing because I was already one of the "cleanest" eaters they knew. But it is AMAZING what you find out about your own body and being when you strip down to the bare minimum and really get to know your system. I have been following the Clean Program http://www.cleanprogram.com/ developed  by cardiologist and cleanse specialist Dr. Junger M.D. 

Ewww. Now my font is all weird. I'm so learning about all of this blogging stuff. But I am determined. 

Okay, that's better. Anyhow, I have been (mostly) following the Clean Program for a couple of months and am feeling DAMN good! I easily dropped excess weight, my skin got SO silky smooth and I feel GREAT in my body! I so highly recommend this one because it is based on the elimination diet and scientific facts about inflammation and because Dr. Junger developed this program for HIMSELF first and foremost and he DOES recognize energy and he DOES recognize spirituality and he IMPLEMENTS both in his daily life and that for me, is where it's at. 

I also have been exploring new types of exercise, still running and doing yoga though but shorter runs now AND I've been learning about my menstrual cycle, my moon, by charting it daily. I am working with the book Moon Mysteries http://www.moonmysteries.com/

THIS has also been amazing! Oh looky there, my font changed again. Heh heh. Cute. Anyhow, learning about my cycle has been fascinating but also so very deeply satisfying for me. It has been a missing link. I feel my tree roots go deep into the ground and touch my ancestors who are buried within the earth, as I go further into listening and communion with myself. I totally thought of myself as in tune with my cycle before working with this book. I love my period and my cycle and am usually pretty aware of when I am ovulating, having PMS and just about to bleed, but NOW I actually am seeing a clear pattern emerge based on the days of my cycles. My hormones did this. Aren't they crafty little bitches? I must befriend them. Sorry for calling them bitches. Time to dig deeper into what all influences my hormones. First off, the moon.

Holy Moly Universe! I hear you!!!!!!!!

Ok, so, I am a writing maniac! I can't stop! I have ALWAYS loved writing and it was a true passion when I was a kid (I even won some awards ;) but for some reason I abandoned it at some point. There are many layers there I'm sure but, the point is, I am writing obsessed! All I can think of right now is writing. To you. I want to get my story out there. It is time. I started another blog with my twin sister last night called The Twin Dialogues: an act of love. And it is. It's an act of love. I am starting a healing journey with my sister and reaching out to other siblings and twins in the process. I want to learn more about the sibling dynamic, the twin dynamic, the spiritual dynamic and how it is all integrated and how we can utilize the lessons we learn from these relationships instead of merely cutting off from a sib or just having an apathetic relationship with them. Now I know there are PLENTY of you out there who have GOOD, solid relationships with your sibs. I want to hear from you too!! How do you know you are close with your sibling? Do you feel like you have intimacy in your relationship? By intimacy I in no way mean romantic. I mean do you have true connection and closeness with your sib(s) complete and fortified by clear and loving boundaries? How did you get there? Was it always like that? I want to hear it all!

Meanwhile~ I am starting my WonderWoman group next Monday!! Holy shit WonderWoman! https://docs.com/SWA1 I cannot WAIT! So I'm beginning that group. I am already in the process. The weaving of the web that will connect us. And my friend Mark and I are in conversation, developing a template for a dialogue circle between men and women with a non role specific approach meaning, the focus will not be on romantic relationship skills (although this dialogue will surely enhance what we bring to our romantic relationships), the focus will also not be on family roles: father, daughter, son, sister, brother. Of course those aspects will come up and we will look at them, but the focus will not be on any specific roles. Instead allowing space for all that wants to be heard. We are ultimately creating a template for a group Mark and I talked about the idea of asking for permission when bringing certain subjects into the conversation. Maybe someone wants to talk about a heated topic, let's ask for permission from the group and create clarity around safety first. I.LOVE.IT.

The truth is I am obsessed with the ins and outs of human relationships. Not just communication but energy and spiritual connection and perspective and dialogue and community and relationship with oneself. I am obsessed.

I'm not sure who this girl is but I'm gonna find out because I LOVE this picture and this quote. Love.

What is most important to me is connection. Yes sure, it stems from a childhood where connection was more like a drunken night with fun house mirrors than anything else- it just didn't make sense at all, ever. But my love affair with connection, this is my gift, it is why I am here, it is what I want and it is what I want for you too. That is why I am insisting on this public nakedness. It's cool. I'm okay with it. Maybe now I will stop having dreams where I am in public with no pants or underwear on or some other super embarrassing version of that.

I have always known that I want to reach out to other people who have visited the painful places that I have in my life. I want to call out to those people in their isolated caves of shame and reach all the way into their souls and say, you're not actually alone. I'm here too. You are not alone. Even if you feel like you are the alone-est lonely person in this goddammed world, you are not. Because I am with you. In that black cave of shame. I know that place so very well. Intimately. I know that abyss of black nothingness. I know that feeling of not being sure how to get and stay in your body. I know that feeling of smallness and the aching numbness of feeling worthless. I know that place. I see you there. Yes I know you think it is the only thing in the world that exists and that even if you do get to come out of it for a bit you believe the cave is the only thing that is actually real. I get it. I know. I have been there too. I have lived there. I always lived there. But now I just enjoy visiting. Yes. Enjoy. The cave of shame is not a bad place per se. You've heard this all before I'm sure, we create these parts of ourselves to protect us from-----fill in the blank. So, thank you sweet cave. Thanks so much! Now what? The cave is just sitting there. What happens to it now? What function does it serve? What purpose does it have? Well I will tell you. It is our indicator. If you find yourself spiraling down into shame or cutting off and going to a different, more numb space, if you are checked out, if you are all of the sudden so sleepy when just moments ago you were wide awake and alert....these are indicators to listen closer to your internal world. These are times when we are unconsciously slipping into the cave. It gets real messy when we have our eyes closed and wander near the cave. But when we consciously are aware of nearing the cave it becomes a whole new experience. The cave can actually become a tool to leverage healing. We can even intentionally visit the cave. There is much wisdom in there, so long as our eyes are open.

If you find yourself slipping, eyes closed into the cave first of all, congratulations for noticing! That is the first step for sure. (So very 12 steps, I know) Keep noticing. listen, see, pay attention. When I was younger one of my soul sisters Ms Rachael made me a mobile- she painted three toilet paper rolls, labeled them TRUST, LOVE, PAY ATTENTION and connected them with shiny foily wirey wonderwoman type strings of stars. It was awesome. We need one for you now. Think of those words when you are nearing the cave and as you are noticing. Trust yourself, love yourself and EVERYTHING in this moment, even if it is the shittiest, stinkiest, smelliest, rottinest pile of fucking shit you have ever seen in yourself! Love it. Even if you can only love one speck of the shadow of it. Do it. And Pay Attention. I would add one more. COURAGE. We must constantly commune with courage. It must become our rock, our focal point, the engine of our navigating system. Courage is the bedrock of follow through. Get to know it. Let it in. Recognize that it is in fact, already in. And let it in some more.

Something is needing to be:

seen/heard/danced/voiced/painted/shared/written/created/spoken/sang/built/drawn/witnessed. Something. Go find out what it is.

You know what? I'm renaming my cave. It is not a cafe of shame anymore. Sure, I can find shame there. It lives in the cave. But it is now the cave of darkness. I officially declare it!! My beautiful deep, stormy, chaotic, intense cave of darkness. I love it (finally). Love to you, right to your soul.

I am upping my rates

I had a session with Chelsea B today. I am feeling pretty weak emotionally today given news about my mom from my sister. My mom was hospitalized 3 times over the summer for depression, is what my sister tells me. We spoke for a long time about this. It was a very uncomfortable conversation- as I sat in my car perched to open the door and step out at any moment. But the conversation just kept going on and on, so I sunk back down into my seat. Ugh. Family stuff is hard. For me. I have been relieved hearing that my mom had been in the hospital. Not because I really think she is going to get the help she needs in there (but she could!) but because I don't have to explain the insanity. It's clear. She's in the hospital. She's sick. Now, I know it's super lame to put people in boxes with labels on their foreheads. I get it. But hear me out. My mom being in the hospital this summer reminds me of anytime someone in my life has witnessed my mom in action and "gotten it". And I didn't have to explain anymore. I was frequently trying to explain why I had a hard time as a kid. Why I thought I had one of them, "bad childhoods". And it was always so difficult for me to get it packaged up beautifully in just the right words that someone would "get it". Words words words. It's funny that I got stuck on words and explaining my moms insanity to people, because, that was also a strong dynamic in my relationship with my mom. I spent so much time trying to figure out just the right way to say things, then she surely would understand and everything would be better. This was me reaching into whatever abyss my mom lived in and trying damn hard to pull her back into reality. Sometimes it seemed to work. And five minutes later she was back in that damn black hole. It was like chasing a kid around cleaning up after them now that I think of it. The moment you think your work is done and you can move on-- they're at it again. But as a kid in this position, it's scary and painful. With nowhere for the pain to be expressed due to extenuating family circumstances and dynamics-- we implode.

I hired a life coach! What??!! I know. I did. Her name is Chelsea B and she is awesome! I felt drawn to her and I LOVE her energy because it is encouraging and inspiring yet grounded and calming too. My weekly homework is to write to her once a week checking in about my priority list I am to write first thing every morning. In these written check ins I am to let her know what went well with getting the three things on my priority list accomplished and what may have gotten in the way. The same goes for meditation. I have felt an increasing need to meditate daily but I just haven't made room for it in my life on a daily basis. All I am asking of myself is 10 minutes a day. You would not believe how difficult it has been for me to follow through with this daily. I know there are some emotional influences going on here. As with much of my life right now, as I approach my meditation practice, I am finding myself hitting a wall. And the wall is ME! HA! ha. Oh. So I'm getting real with myself. Really really real. No more nonsense! There are damn chains, generations old, to be broken!! Let's get on with it!! As I reach and stretch and reach some more for those gorgeous stars that are my DREAMS, I have images of my Dad,my mom and my sister, flickering through the universe of my brain. I remember the feelings of shame, failure, judgement and lack of trust that ran through the veins of my family. What does it mean? How does it fit into this new picture I am creating; designing direct from my soul? It's scary stuff I tell ya. But it's juicy and real! So today, My priorities list: The big one, deliver chocolate to our new customer, Black Drop coffee house in Bellingham. Oh my I was nervous! Why? Because it's a HUGE deal I guess that's why! Come to think of it, this is our first new customer that I have solicited on my own! The first one, Trapeze Cafe, I was asked to sell at (which is a heart squeezing, ego boosting event for sure!!). But this is the real deal! The owner said YES and I brought in 3 small boxes of chocolates: peanut butter cup, peppermint patty and blueberry/vanilla. And as I was explaining what I brought to the woman behind the counter, she told me she had heard so many good things about my chocolate! Oh heart swell! I am so happy to hear this!! Got started on priority number two, calling to update health insurance for the girls. That will move to tomorrow's priority list. I'm trying to acknowledge when I take small steps and realize that sometimes a task seems so huge for whatever reason, often just energetically, that I need to break it up into small steps, possibly several. Priority number three is to start on the art project with my girls of making the decoupage box to collect donations for the Tending Moon Fund, which would be for supporting single moms in Bellingham. We will do that after dinner. Meditation. I did it! It was FABULOUS!! That's all I'm going to share at the moment. I need to sit with my experience for a bit. It was THAT incredible!! I have done meditation here and there in the past. Never getting a whole lot out of it. But I never REALLY wanted to do it either. I never totally saw the benefits. I have gotten to the point, in my old age of 36, where I can no longer ignore the deep seated need I have to incorporate meditation into my daily life. It starts now.