Holy Moly Universe! I hear you!!!!!!!!

Ok, so, I am a writing maniac! I can't stop! I have ALWAYS loved writing and it was a true passion when I was a kid (I even won some awards ;) but for some reason I abandoned it at some point. There are many layers there I'm sure but, the point is, I am writing obsessed! All I can think of right now is writing. To you. I want to get my story out there. It is time. I started another blog with my twin sister last night called The Twin Dialogues: an act of love. And it is. It's an act of love. I am starting a healing journey with my sister and reaching out to other siblings and twins in the process. I want to learn more about the sibling dynamic, the twin dynamic, the spiritual dynamic and how it is all integrated and how we can utilize the lessons we learn from these relationships instead of merely cutting off from a sib or just having an apathetic relationship with them. Now I know there are PLENTY of you out there who have GOOD, solid relationships with your sibs. I want to hear from you too!! How do you know you are close with your sibling? Do you feel like you have intimacy in your relationship? By intimacy I in no way mean romantic. I mean do you have true connection and closeness with your sib(s) complete and fortified by clear and loving boundaries? How did you get there? Was it always like that? I want to hear it all!

Meanwhile~ I am starting my WonderWoman group next Monday!! Holy shit WonderWoman! https://docs.com/SWA1 I cannot WAIT! So I'm beginning that group. I am already in the process. The weaving of the web that will connect us. And my friend Mark and I are in conversation, developing a template for a dialogue circle between men and women with a non role specific approach meaning, the focus will not be on romantic relationship skills (although this dialogue will surely enhance what we bring to our romantic relationships), the focus will also not be on family roles: father, daughter, son, sister, brother. Of course those aspects will come up and we will look at them, but the focus will not be on any specific roles. Instead allowing space for all that wants to be heard. We are ultimately creating a template for a group Mark and I talked about the idea of asking for permission when bringing certain subjects into the conversation. Maybe someone wants to talk about a heated topic, let's ask for permission from the group and create clarity around safety first. I.LOVE.IT.

The truth is I am obsessed with the ins and outs of human relationships. Not just communication but energy and spiritual connection and perspective and dialogue and community and relationship with oneself. I am obsessed.

I'm not sure who this girl is but I'm gonna find out because I LOVE this picture and this quote. Love.

What is most important to me is connection. Yes sure, it stems from a childhood where connection was more like a drunken night with fun house mirrors than anything else- it just didn't make sense at all, ever. But my love affair with connection, this is my gift, it is why I am here, it is what I want and it is what I want for you too. That is why I am insisting on this public nakedness. It's cool. I'm okay with it. Maybe now I will stop having dreams where I am in public with no pants or underwear on or some other super embarrassing version of that.

I have always known that I want to reach out to other people who have visited the painful places that I have in my life. I want to call out to those people in their isolated caves of shame and reach all the way into their souls and say, you're not actually alone. I'm here too. You are not alone. Even if you feel like you are the alone-est lonely person in this goddammed world, you are not. Because I am with you. In that black cave of shame. I know that place so very well. Intimately. I know that abyss of black nothingness. I know that feeling of not being sure how to get and stay in your body. I know that feeling of smallness and the aching numbness of feeling worthless. I know that place. I see you there. Yes I know you think it is the only thing in the world that exists and that even if you do get to come out of it for a bit you believe the cave is the only thing that is actually real. I get it. I know. I have been there too. I have lived there. I always lived there. But now I just enjoy visiting. Yes. Enjoy. The cave of shame is not a bad place per se. You've heard this all before I'm sure, we create these parts of ourselves to protect us from-----fill in the blank. So, thank you sweet cave. Thanks so much! Now what? The cave is just sitting there. What happens to it now? What function does it serve? What purpose does it have? Well I will tell you. It is our indicator. If you find yourself spiraling down into shame or cutting off and going to a different, more numb space, if you are checked out, if you are all of the sudden so sleepy when just moments ago you were wide awake and alert....these are indicators to listen closer to your internal world. These are times when we are unconsciously slipping into the cave. It gets real messy when we have our eyes closed and wander near the cave. But when we consciously are aware of nearing the cave it becomes a whole new experience. The cave can actually become a tool to leverage healing. We can even intentionally visit the cave. There is much wisdom in there, so long as our eyes are open.

If you find yourself slipping, eyes closed into the cave first of all, congratulations for noticing! That is the first step for sure. (So very 12 steps, I know) Keep noticing. listen, see, pay attention. When I was younger one of my soul sisters Ms Rachael made me a mobile- she painted three toilet paper rolls, labeled them TRUST, LOVE, PAY ATTENTION and connected them with shiny foily wirey wonderwoman type strings of stars. It was awesome. We need one for you now. Think of those words when you are nearing the cave and as you are noticing. Trust yourself, love yourself and EVERYTHING in this moment, even if it is the shittiest, stinkiest, smelliest, rottinest pile of fucking shit you have ever seen in yourself! Love it. Even if you can only love one speck of the shadow of it. Do it. And Pay Attention. I would add one more. COURAGE. We must constantly commune with courage. It must become our rock, our focal point, the engine of our navigating system. Courage is the bedrock of follow through. Get to know it. Let it in. Recognize that it is in fact, already in. And let it in some more.

Something is needing to be:

seen/heard/danced/voiced/painted/shared/written/created/spoken/sang/built/drawn/witnessed. Something. Go find out what it is.

You know what? I'm renaming my cave. It is not a cafe of shame anymore. Sure, I can find shame there. It lives in the cave. But it is now the cave of darkness. I officially declare it!! My beautiful deep, stormy, chaotic, intense cave of darkness. I love it (finally). Love to you, right to your soul.

I am upping my rates

I had a session with Chelsea B today. I am feeling pretty weak emotionally today given news about my mom from my sister. My mom was hospitalized 3 times over the summer for depression, is what my sister tells me. We spoke for a long time about this. It was a very uncomfortable conversation- as I sat in my car perched to open the door and step out at any moment. But the conversation just kept going on and on, so I sunk back down into my seat. Ugh. Family stuff is hard. For me. I have been relieved hearing that my mom had been in the hospital. Not because I really think she is going to get the help she needs in there (but she could!) but because I don't have to explain the insanity. It's clear. She's in the hospital. She's sick. Now, I know it's super lame to put people in boxes with labels on their foreheads. I get it. But hear me out. My mom being in the hospital this summer reminds me of anytime someone in my life has witnessed my mom in action and "gotten it". And I didn't have to explain anymore. I was frequently trying to explain why I had a hard time as a kid. Why I thought I had one of them, "bad childhoods". And it was always so difficult for me to get it packaged up beautifully in just the right words that someone would "get it". Words words words. It's funny that I got stuck on words and explaining my moms insanity to people, because, that was also a strong dynamic in my relationship with my mom. I spent so much time trying to figure out just the right way to say things, then she surely would understand and everything would be better. This was me reaching into whatever abyss my mom lived in and trying damn hard to pull her back into reality. Sometimes it seemed to work. And five minutes later she was back in that damn black hole. It was like chasing a kid around cleaning up after them now that I think of it. The moment you think your work is done and you can move on-- they're at it again. But as a kid in this position, it's scary and painful. With nowhere for the pain to be expressed due to extenuating family circumstances and dynamics-- we implode.

I hired a life coach! What??!! I know. I did. Her name is Chelsea B and she is awesome! I felt drawn to her and I LOVE her energy because it is encouraging and inspiring yet grounded and calming too. My weekly homework is to write to her once a week checking in about my priority list I am to write first thing every morning. In these written check ins I am to let her know what went well with getting the three things on my priority list accomplished and what may have gotten in the way. The same goes for meditation. I have felt an increasing need to meditate daily but I just haven't made room for it in my life on a daily basis. All I am asking of myself is 10 minutes a day. You would not believe how difficult it has been for me to follow through with this daily. I know there are some emotional influences going on here. As with much of my life right now, as I approach my meditation practice, I am finding myself hitting a wall. And the wall is ME! HA! ha. Oh. So I'm getting real with myself. Really really real. No more nonsense! There are damn chains, generations old, to be broken!! Let's get on with it!! As I reach and stretch and reach some more for those gorgeous stars that are my DREAMS, I have images of my Dad,my mom and my sister, flickering through the universe of my brain. I remember the feelings of shame, failure, judgement and lack of trust that ran through the veins of my family. What does it mean? How does it fit into this new picture I am creating; designing direct from my soul? It's scary stuff I tell ya. But it's juicy and real! So today, My priorities list: The big one, deliver chocolate to our new customer, Black Drop coffee house in Bellingham. Oh my I was nervous! Why? Because it's a HUGE deal I guess that's why! Come to think of it, this is our first new customer that I have solicited on my own! The first one, Trapeze Cafe, I was asked to sell at (which is a heart squeezing, ego boosting event for sure!!). But this is the real deal! The owner said YES and I brought in 3 small boxes of chocolates: peanut butter cup, peppermint patty and blueberry/vanilla. And as I was explaining what I brought to the woman behind the counter, she told me she had heard so many good things about my chocolate! Oh heart swell! I am so happy to hear this!! Got started on priority number two, calling to update health insurance for the girls. That will move to tomorrow's priority list. I'm trying to acknowledge when I take small steps and realize that sometimes a task seems so huge for whatever reason, often just energetically, that I need to break it up into small steps, possibly several. Priority number three is to start on the art project with my girls of making the decoupage box to collect donations for the Tending Moon Fund, which would be for supporting single moms in Bellingham. We will do that after dinner. Meditation. I did it! It was FABULOUS!! That's all I'm going to share at the moment. I need to sit with my experience for a bit. It was THAT incredible!! I have done meditation here and there in the past. Never getting a whole lot out of it. But I never REALLY wanted to do it either. I never totally saw the benefits. I have gotten to the point, in my old age of 36, where I can no longer ignore the deep seated need I have to incorporate meditation into my daily life. It starts now.

Scatter brains.

I plowed into the many piles of paper in my office this evening. It definitely looks better in here. But there for sure is a long ways still to go. I am trying to understand this whole business license with more than one business gig and the paperwork is just so damn confusing and I'm just so damn tired of everything needing passwords and identification numbers and user names and case numbers and and and. I'm so tired of all of that shit. So tired of it.

HB's

Earlier I had this realization wash over me, that I have all of these humans around me. Like real live humans. I think I can feel and see this now because I finally am allowing myself to be a human being. And by that I don't mean, I'm now allowing myself to make mistakes. I mean, that's in there too. But what I really mean is, I'm allowing myself to exist. And I'm taking it further and allowing myself to enjoy existing! And I'm taking it even further and letting myself THRIVE!!!! And I'm human!! And now as I look around, everyone else looks so beautifully human too! I am so thankful. And you were there all along, huh?

Road Trip Ramblings.

I am craving to take my kiddos on a big ol' road trip or something. Down to Santa Cruz!! We have never ever done that and I feel so sad about that. Time to do some serious manifesting! This isn't just about me and my fear of being selfish anymore! This is about my kiddos and their memories and their connection to their roots. I get it! In June I am jumping in with two feet and planning to fly me and my daughters to Virginia for a Tenney/Nichols side of the family reunion. I have only ever once been to the East Coast and it was because of a layover in Chicago on my way to England (that's another story. All I saw was the airport. I barely think that counts. I can't believe this huge part of my recent ancestry is from the East Coast and I have barely stepped foot there. Wow. My mom's side is from the New Jersey area. And then there's Arizona. I have wanted to take my oldest (and my youngest would be with us of course) to Sedona, Arizona. Her namesake. I wanted it to be a gift for when she turned 10. Here we are, she's 10 now! Let's make it happen!!

I've decided to take this blog thing seriously. I need to write more. I feel this loneliness settle in when I don't write. What is that about? I am a single mother of two amazing girls (ages 10 and 6). We live in this great old house that we share with some pretty cool housemates, 2 dogs, 2 cats and a fish. I am a massage therapist, doula and raw chocolatier. I am deeply passionate about all three of these. I am working hard to take my raw chocolate to another level and I have a dream of helping to support single mothers through this. I don't know how, but I am. Women need so much more support than what they get. A huge part of this is a lack of community. I know we all say it to each other-- well at least in my circle of friends. We often remind each other of this root of all our problems. But we are having a hard time making any huge movements toward a remedy. And when I say "we", I very much include myself. After two tragic events in my community within months of each other, I learned that what most helps me get through trauma and grief within my community is to help. Even if it seems a super simple, small gesture on my part. My friend Jen Owen (of Jen Martins Studios) is teaching me so much about this. And her husband Ivan Owen too. They are amazing. I have never before witnessed someone being so open and vulnerable and making it look so incredibly strong. Jen Owen is the master of this. She bears her heart every day to help others and she shares stories regularly about amazing experiences she has been touched by. This is via Facebook. Who would know what a healing tool it could be. Everything in moderation. On Valentine's Day what Jen did was make 20 Valentine's Day cards and then she delivered them all around town to total strangers. They said things like, "You Are Beautiful." And Jen hand delivered them, by herself. I don't know about you but, this makes me kind of pee my pants a little just thinking about it. I think maybe because I have done things like this, when I was much younger. And sometimes it turned out real bad and embarrassing. At least that is how my brain remembers it. So I tend to avoid hugely vulnerable acts like this. But I am allowing myself to become a lot more open. I am starting there. Jen, you inspire me. And Ivan! He has started this INCREDIBLE project making mechanical fingers and hands for folks who were born without them or somehow lost them as children or adults. And he is doing this to make it available to everyone-- even those who cannot afford it. www.comingupshorthanded.com is his website. So I want to do great things for my community too. And it's damn hard to be a single parent. Please know that I am NOT in any way trying to downplay challenges for single Dads but I say single mothers because what this issue touches off in me is also the support WOMEN in general need more of in our society. I do not mean to duck any responsibility we as women have in this. I just want to get it out on the table. All of it. And I know good and well that part of this puzzle involves men needing support too. I trust all angles will be taken care of. This one is the one I am passionate about. Women. So this is the one I am going to tend to. Which one speaks to you? We all need to work together. It will be great. I promise.